Why??

I just really find it weird why girls often end up the "bad one" when they cannot reciprocate the love offered to them? I mean, do girls force such feelings for guys to feel?

It is indeed difficult to give but it is much more difficult to receive feelings than we can never return.

Being the villain is one but the dealing with the uncomfortable moments is another. Why do girls have to suffer that their world suddenly becomes smaller, when you start avoiding that person because it's never a pleasant encounter.

This really sucks! Who took the risk of laying the coolest friendship on the line? But who is the one suffering without knowing what really hit them? I just hope people would start thinking a thousand times before you even take the risk. Don't just think about the gamble you're taking, think about the other party, how they will react.

Please!!! I hate to go through this path again. I think I should think about misinterpretation and friendship and boundaries more seriously.

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics

Enrique Iglesias - Do You Know lyrics

Elliott Yamin - Wait For You lyrics

Paula Deanda - When It Was Me lyrics

Cassie - Long Way To Go lyrics

Never Be Mine (a composition), et. al.

A moment of laughter
A secret smile
A brush of your hand
laidback afternoon
The slightest touch
Hours to last forever
Things I shared with you can never be mine
can never be yours, can never be ours.

Hold on to this moment
and never let go
could never be, you and I both know

This memory will linger until
my heart stops beating for your name
Til my arms stop aching for your touch
Til my eyes no longer cry for this
Love that can never be ours

Tears flowing
Heart breaking
Silence deafening
Love awaiting
presently hoping
pain I will endure
Let me have you this time
since tomorrow can never be mine...
can never be yours and mine.


et.al.:

**i'll take a leap of faith, close my eyes and jump into your arms
uncertain if this will last forever, but I just want to have you now

**if you're not into me
just tell me so
don't play with my heart
and let me go
you know how i feel
about you
it's all in your hands
better say it to my face than let someone
take my place without me knowing.

**working up the courage to be near you
i laugh it off, thinking i'd gather the guts
it never happened
i lost you, i miss you
i want you so badly

**i may only have a glimpse and a moment
to be with you
but it surpasses your absence til i see you again

A Song For Mama (Boyz II Men)

You taught me everything
And everything you've given me
I always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah
There isn't anything
Or anyone that I can be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side
You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were grey
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me
And no one else can be what you have been to me
You will always be you will always be the girl
In my life for all times

Chorus:
Mama, mama you know I love you
Oh you know I love you
Mama, mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like
Tears from the stars
Mama, I just want you to know
Loving you is like food to my soul

You're always down for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did
And you took up for me
When everyone was downin me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on
There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me
And say to me I can face anything
And no one else can do
What you have done for me
Youll always be
You will always be the girl in my life.


"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers." -- Jewish proverb

I lost my angel

My mom passed away last Tuesday, June 5, 2007 at 2pm. I wasn't by her side when all this happened. It took the wind out of me when I heard about it. I was helpless. I was in Makati then, got out from work while she was there in a hospital in Fairview, with my younger sister and stepdad.

I know she was growing weak every day but I didn't expect her to be gone so sudden. Thoughts came rushing into my head. What will I do without her? Who will teach me to become a good mother? Who will comfort me and protect when things go wrong? My angel is gone, God needs her more than ever.

It was difficult to see her lifeless. She had a wonderful sense of humor, a positive disposition in life despite the struggles that go with it. She was a friend to me and she respected whatever I can do.

Everything that go with death is such an agony. It's like doing things for something that you haven't really accepted is existing. Somehow the experience was both funny and infuriating. Choosing the coffin for her, when to bury her, clothes she had to wear -- similar stuff. it's like you're weak but you have to move, take care of things, but still in denial of the truth.

I just can't believe I'm buying an expensive dress for her without seeing the look in her eyes. I want to kow if she liked the dress, if I made the right choice, if I made her happy, if I had been a good daughter to her even if it's just for that day. But I know that I will never know the answers. I just hope she sees from afar that I did my best to make the choices I made.

I am crippled. I never made such major decisions in my life without consulting her first. Though we disagree at times, I won't deny that her opinions matter, that her approval and happiness mean the world to me. Now I have to live up to the love and care he has given my brothers and sister. It's impossible I know but I am thankful that my siblings are understanding and supportive.

Her death was definitely unwanted but our lost served as a wake up call for all of us who love her very much. We are more together than ever before. Wounds starts to heal and blessings are better counted.

I miss her but I know she is done with her mission here on earth - for her family, her children, for her friends and for the lives she dearly touched. I stopped crying, probably because I have no tears left for it. It's weird but I'm at peace with everything. It's like I know something good happened here. I'm not mourning. I refuse to wear the traditional black pin. I refuse to stay at home and rest. I went back to the way things are as deep inside I know, something wonderful just happened. I don't think mom would want me to put my world into a halt. She wants me to be strong and take charge and I know I will.

It's my turn, Mom. Don't worry, I will do my best. Be at peace. Things will be better.

blah!

I'm back from my RDs. I'm so happy that things are definitely better now with me and my boyfriend. It feels weird that we have to go back to a situation that will help us know each other.

We've both been busy and it caused us to grow apart. We are fulfilling our personal dreams but we forgot that we were supposed to do it together since we definitely have plans of settling down in four years.

AT least, I can now go out with my friends, read books and do certain things that I have not been able to do since we lived together. In short, I now have my "ME" time. Of course he'll have his time to drink with his buddies more often, play games in his PS2, read books, take care of the Frat and stuff. It seems hard to do things differently. Now, we will only have the opportunity to really work together through our band, SUNDAYCAME.

I'm glad that we are mature enough to talk things through. I'm glad that he understood where I was coming from. I am grateful that I have a friend whom I can really trust on this.

Pier One, QC

Ceasar surprised me yesterday. He picked me up from work. Had an early dinner at McDonald's Philcoa before we went to Pier One in Timog to meet with an executive of a recording company.

I was a nervous wreck on the way to Pier One. Ano ba? Seryoso na kaya 'to? This can either make us or break us --- more like our dream to be heard. Tapos late pa ang mga batang lalaki. Si Manager, nakatira sa Parañaque, umalis ng pagkalate na talaga. Si Mau, stuck sa may Sta. Lucia, after ihatid ang girlfriend niyang si Glenys. Gerard, still at work and Daddy Riki was at the airport with his parents and brother.

The boss came and boy, was I nervous. It's like you have to be the best by just sitting there. We were almost breathless watching him listen to our songs. Finally, he said he liked them!!! Yay!

Good news: He wants us to be part of a compilation album with Imago. Wow!! Idol ko yung bandang yun eh. Plus, he will produce our songs!!! God is so good.

The band celebrated this great night with booze, refillable iced tea, cheese and beef nachos (yummy!!), sisig sampler, laughter, and funny pics with Mau.

I miss this kind of moments with my bandmates. I'm so happy that we were all there to see our dreams slowly unfolding.

Cheers to Sundaycame!!!!

I have a song for him...

Come A Little Closer
Brandy

I know that it's late
And maybe I shouldn't be so into you
It's just that tonight
I am so taken, I've fallen for you
When I look in your eyes I can see
A million possibilities
And I know you'll be leaving me soon
But tonight

Come a little bit closer
Let me hold you baby
I will be good for you
And we can try
To forget tomorrow
And make it last forever tonight

So if you must go
Know that I'll be missing you, wishing you closer
So let's make the most of these
Moments together, we'll never forget
And it's breaking my heart 'cause I know
That tomorrow you'll be miles away
And I catch myself wanting so much more
Tonight

Come a little bit closer
Let me hold you baby
I will be good for you
And we can try
To forget tomorrow
And make it last forever tonight

[BRIDGE]
So if you’re leaving me now
Baby I don't know how
I will ever get over you
Because you opened my eyes
To this love that's inside
Oh baby, don't ever, ever leave me

[CHORUS out]

I actually have a song for my friend. Shucks. This is really for him. Kung kelan ko lang siya kasama, dun lang yun nagma-matter. Pag nagkahiwalay na kami, normal na naman ako. Basta ganon.

One-sided Secret Love

SECRET LOVERS
By: Atlantic Starr

Here we are, the two of us together
Takin’ this crazy chance to be all alone
We both know that we should not be together
‘Cause if we’re found out, it could mess up
Both our happy homes

I hate to think about us all meeting up together
‘Cause as soon as I look at you it will show on my face, yeah
Then they’ll know that we’ve been loving each other
We can’t let ‘em know, no, no, no
We can’t leave a trace

Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
We should not be together
But we can’t let go, no, no
‘Cause we love each other so

Ooh…ooh…

Sittin’ at home, I do nothin’ all day
But I think about you and hope that you’re okay
Hopin’ you’ll call before anyone gets home
I wait anxiously alone by the phone

How could something so wrong be so right
I wish we didn’t have to keep our love out of sight, yeah
Living two lives just ain’t easy at all
But we gotta hang on in there or fall

Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
We should not be together
But we can’t let go, no, no
‘Cause we love each other so

Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
Tryin’ so hard to hide the way we feel
‘Cause we both belong to someone else
But we can’t let go
‘Cause what we feel is, oh, so real
So real, so real

You and me, are we friends
Is this cool or do we care
Can they tell what’s in our minds
Maybe they’ve had secret loves all of the time

In the middle of making love we notice the time
We both get nervous ‘cause it’s way after nine
Even though we hate it, we know it’s time that we go
We gotta be careful so that no one will know

Secret lovers, yeah, that’s what we are
Trying so hard to hide the way we feel
‘Cause we both belong to someone else
But we can’t let go
‘Cause what we feel is, oh, so real
So real, so real, so real, so real

turmoil

I think the most difficult thing that could happen when you think you are falling out of love with someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with is when there is no reason for you to fall out of love with that person.

I am going through this. I think I am falling for someone else as a result of what is happening between me and my boyfriend. Or is it the other way around?

I am with my greatest love, who came at the most unexpected time of my life. With him, I became better and stronger. I now know myself better. Being with him means being certain of what life has in store for me.. for my future family. He is responsible, intelligent, smart, funny and compassionate. He says that his dreams started to unfold when he found me. I could say I feel the same. We almost have the same dreams but different paths to take. Still, I don't mind. He is the best thing that ever happened to my life.

Things started becoming tough for us when he gets himself involved with so many things. Business. School. Teaching. The Band. He is everywhere! 24 hours is never enough to get everything done. Eventhough we are together, it seems like we are miles apart. It's like our time to be together is limited because he has more important things to do. I know it's unfair. I mean, it's not all FUN right? But I AM part of his life, not a furniture or appliance that you use when he feels like it or it is convenient for him. i told him about my concerns over and over again. That he has to take things slow. He should get himself involved that he can comfortably managed. But my concerns fell on deaf ears. I know where he is coming from, he is basically making for the mistakes he did back when his mom was still able to support him. But time won't make it easier for you. I know that. But he never listened.

This problem has always bothered us many times before -- poker, PS2, fraternity, brods, drinking, etc. We almost parted ways because of these, because he often got lost in the way of things. Yet, we managed to rise above them. But now it's different... There's something wrong with me.

I think I'm falling for someone else. A friend. A friend who will never see me as more than a friend. Still, I'm here wondering what could be. What if I'm free? What if I can make that decision for myself without considering other people's feelings? What if I just tell him the truth? Plain what ifs? But I can't bring myself to do it.. It's not me.

Fate surely has an awful sense of humor. Why let my friend and my paths crossed again, now when I am vulnerable to temptation, to a new kind of love, to hate, to revenge? I know nothing can come out this, but I'm still here making that connection, testing the waters, testing my will, but I feel I am already losing, yet willingly, I allow myself to be in it.

He makes me laugh, makes me feel special without the intention of messing with my brain. We kid around about being romantic, but i know it's nothing for him. I'm the one who's sick enough to play them over and over again in my mind and indulge in the happiness it brings. THIS IS ME BEING STUPID.

This situation is physically and emotionally draining for me. I talked to my friend and with her words, I came to this decision, I have to come clean, tell my great love the truth and just wait for his decision.

I told him everything. I told him that I am in the brink of committing infidelity because I like how I am being treated, how I feel attracted (although things between me and my friend are not even close to sexual) and attractive, how I wanted to be free and explore the possiblities. I get the sudden feeling that I don't want to settle down yet. I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm not even sure if I can be with him anymore. I feel like I want to be alone. Date again perhaps, just feel that i am free to make my OWN choices, choices for MYSELF and not for anybody else.

After our talk, we decided to start all over again. Still together, but more freedom to do what we have and want to do. It's like we're free to do what we want to do but our being together will constantly remind us of our plans.. In the end, we don't know if we will end up together. This is our last shot. And I'm just making sure that I make the most out of the situation so that I won't feel that I was actually compelled to stay because this is my comfort zone. I want to make the choices that I want for myself and my future.

turmoil song

What About Me?Kenny Rogers with Kim Carnes & James Ingram
I see you here with me
I've waited all my life for someone like you
Someone to give my heart and soul to

I look into your eyes
Your love for me was such a welcome surprise
I think at last I've found forever

But what about me?
(I'll always love you)
What about me?
(I'll always need you)
You were my love before
But I need so much more of you

Time after time I feel I'm losing my mind
Or maybe this is what lovers must go through
It never entered my mind
We could be wasting our time
What am I gonna do?
But what about me?

No reason to pretend
True love affairs don't have to come to an end
The moment we don't have all the answers

I nearly go insane
Each and every time I hear you whisper my name
I feel the same when I'm around you

But what about me?
(I'll always love you)
What about me?
(I'll always need you)
This is so hard for me
I wanted so much to be with you

Time after time I feel I'm losing my mind
Or maybe this is what lovers must go through
It never entered my mind
We could be wasting our time
What am I gonna do?

But what about me?

UNO ANIMO TEAM DINNER PARTY

The Uno Animo team (without Tetay, RJ, Revo and Chloe.. :() went to Pizza Hut Makati Cinema Square branch for our much-awaited early dinner. We had a blast. Everybody was just so darn happy. Nothing can be as perfect as this... great food (supreme pizza overload, chicken wings, steak fries and oh yes REFILLABLE Iced tea til we drop -- right Alex!?), good friends and an old boss (literally and figuratively -- peace out Gerry! Hahaha..), what more could you ask for.

Seriously, I had so much fun because we are like one family causing chaos in the li'l old Pizza Hut. I get to finally our new teammates from the night shift, it was really cool. We just found ourselves having a blast as if we're not strangers to one another.

May chika na may special nightout ang Batch 1. FINALLY!!?? A well-deserved treat for us since simula ng magtrabaho kami eh hindi na kami nakapagteam building sa dilang team building ng call centers. Kaya sobrang excited na ko, actually kaming lahat sa Batch 1.

Another favorite song

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

So baby talk to me
Like lovers do
Walk with me
Like lovers do
Talk to me
Like lovers do

Here comes the rain again
Raining in my head like a tragedy
Tearing me apart like a new emotion
Oooooh
I want to breathe in the open wind
I want to kiss like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

So baby talk to me
Like lovers do

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
(Here it comes again, here it comes again)
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

sheesh...

Darn. This is not a good start for me. I got a a frigging infraction for wearing a sleeveless shirt! No warning whatsoever. On the good side though, I thought I was getting an infraction for using Friendster. That would be pretty embarassing... Teehee! Was caught red-handed. =P

Anyway, this would mean that I might not even have the guts to apply for a higher position because of this, although I really don't see myself yet going for that, still, you know it's now part of my record that I was once an offender. =(

The good thing is "manong" was not the attention-getter type. He was very calm and quiet when he gave me my first ever infraction. He wasn't like some officers who would talk loud and make the whole thing be known in the whole production floor. So there... INFRACTION, SCHMRACTION... HA! :)

The Rich Man Who Can Never Afford Common Sense

Last night was a tough night for me. Ceasar was having some problems with someone that his landlady owed some money to. I admit it was his fault that his rent piled up.

He was religiously saving money so that he can move to a new place in June. He has been working so hard the whole summer just so he could make the change before classes start.

I can't believe that this person is calling him names for not being able to pay him. Of course, Ceasar was to blame but that doesn't mean he has every right to call him manloloko. I was just listening for a while because I want to understand the situation. I really don't usually interfere with Ceasar's concerns because mainly, he doesn't allow me to unless he feels he needs my advice. But the man went overboard by repeating the same words over and over again and I just couldn't handle it. I spoke up. I usually don't talk back to elders but this man really asked for it. The problem with him is that Ceasar was being honest with him that he doesn't have the money last night to pay them his dues. But he finds it unacceptable. He said that Ceasar should be honest. Now what the hell does he think Ceasar was doing then? Lying to his teeth?!!

I mean, the man may be rich but he certainly lacks common sense. Arrgh!!! Shoot. I'm still shaking with anger just thinking about what happened last night. I'm just so angry last night that I told the man to shut the fu*k up. I don't care how he sees me as a person but I am certain that the way I see him that night is not good and will never change unless he makes me. (As if I care!) Everytime he opened his mouth, he continues to contradicts himself. I'm not really like this, but I'm pretty sensitive when it comes to Ceasar because I know what he was going through these days. That man doesn't know half of what's going on, so I guess he doesn't really UNDERSTAND (because he kept on saying that.. naiintindihan ko naman kayo eh, kaya nga tumagal yung bayarin na to. The point is sino bang may gusto na may utang siya lalo na sa taong maanghang magsalita? The house is like hell, the owner and that man don't care about what is happening with the tenants. Fu*k them!!! I swear this will not happen again, to me or to Ceasar or to anyone that I care about. I will definitely show them that we will not trade our dignity and integrity for P5000. Hey I know it's a lot of money these days but I don't want to make my world smaller and my dignity worthless just for that. UUuugh, some people just lack common sense.

In the end, I lend Ceasar P2000 so that we can get him off our backs, even for a while. Haay, sa katapusan naman ulit.

**next time, always set your priorities straight.

Home...

Home Daughtry lyricsArtist: Daughtry

I'm staring out into the night
And trying to hide the pain
I'm going to the place where love
can feel but they dont live the cost of fame
In pain it feels a different kind of pain
I'm going home to the place where I belong
where your love has always been enough for me
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I'm going home
The miles are getting longer it seems
The closer I get to you.... babe
And I've always been the best man and friend for you
To love and make true and I dont know why
You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me
I'm running from you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
Be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get it all
you just might get it all and then some you dont want
be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all
I'm going home to the place where I belong
Where your love has always been enough for me
And I'm running from.. you know I think you got me all wrong
I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home

I liked this Mojofly hit the first time I heard it. It talks about accepting things as they are, moving on and being strong. It teaches us to look ahead than indulge in misery and blame.

Kumusta na
Nandyan ka pa ba
Wala na yatang ibang magagawa
Kundi tumawa

Nandyan pa ba
Mga ala-ala
Ang tanging bagay na naiwan
Sa 'ting dalawa

Wag nang paikutin ang isa't isa
Lahat ng bagay ay malinaw na
Di na rin kailangan pagpilitan pa
Di mo na kinakailangan pang magsalita

Nakita ko ng lahat ito
Pinahihiwatig ng mata mo
Salamat na lamang sayo
Ohhhhhhh

Nakita ko ng lahat ito
Pinahihiwatig ng mata mo
Salamat na lamang sayo
Ohhhhhhh

Kumusta na
Nandyan ka pa ba
Wala na yatang ibang magagawa
Kundi tumawa

Nandyan pa ba
Mga ala-ala
Ang tanging bagay na naiwan
Sa 'ting dalawa

Wag nang paikutin ang isa't isa
Lahat ng bagay ay malinaw na
Di na rin kailangang pagpilitan pa
Di mo na kinakailangan pang magsalita

Nakita ko ng lahat ito
Pinahihiwatig ng mata mo
Salamat na lamang sayo
Ohhhhhhh

Nakita ko ng lahat ito
Pinahihiwatig ng mata mo
Salamat na lamang sa'yo
Ohhhhhhh

Mata mo, mata mo, mata mo, mata mo...........

Bette Davis' Eyes

I heard this song while on my way to visit my English professor. The jeepney had good speakers so this was first time to actually hear all the details of the song. I like the beat, the effects, and the voice (husky but sultry).

Bette Davis' Eyes

She's precocious
and she knows just
what it takes to make a pro blush
She's got Greta Garbo's stand-off sighs
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll let you take her home
It whets her appetite
She'll lay you on her throne
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll take a tumble on you
Roll you like you were dice
Until you come up blue
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll expose you
When she snows you
Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you
She's ferocious
and she knows just what it takes
to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy
She's got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
all the better just to please you
She's precocious
and she knows just
what it takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She will tease you
She'll unease you
Just to please you
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll expose you
When she snows you
She knows you
She's got Bette Davis eyes

SUNDO...

I.
Kay tagal kong sinusuyod ang buong mundo
Para hanapin, para hanapin ka
Nilibot ang distrito ng iyong lumbay
Pupulutin, pupulutin ka

Refrain:
Sinusundo kita,
Sinusundo

Chorus:
Asahan mong mula ngayon pag-ibig ko’y sayo
Asahan mong mula ngayon pag-ibig ko’y sayo

Sa akin mo isabit ang iyong lumbay
Di kukulangin ang ibibigay
Isuko ang kaba tuluyan kang bumitaw
Ika’y manalig
Manalig ka..

Refrain:
Sinusundo kita
Sinusundo

Chorus:
Asahan mong mula ngayon pag-ibig ko’y sayo
Asahan mong mula ngayon pag-ibig ko’y sayo

Handa na sa liwanag mo
Sinuyod ang buong mundo
Maghihintay sayo’ng sundo

Tuliro

Labis ako'y nahuhumaling sa isip
Bawat sandaling ika'y makapiling
Giliw hayaang lumapit
Wag mo sanang ipagkait
Ang malas sa langit

**anong nadarama
Tuwing makikita kang
Dumarating, tuliro
Di malaman ang gagawin
At walang sino mang makapipigil sa akin
At wla ng ibang makapagbabago ng aking isip sau..haaay!!

Wari di ko na malimut
Mga galaw at kilos mo
Sa aking pagtulog
At sa panaginip ika'y mamalagi
Di na muling malulumbay
Sa aking pagising

Repeat**
Anong nadarama

Anong nadarama
Ngayon sa isip ko'y hindi ka maalis
Tuliro
Di malaman ang gagawin
At walang sinumang makapipigil sa akin
At wala ng ibang makapagbabago ng aking isip sau...

Anong nadarama
Ngayon at nandirito ka sa aking tabi
Tuliro
Di malaman ang gagawin
At walang sinumang makapipigil sa akin

I just find this song really cute.. Sooo high school! Hahaha.. Back when love seems so pure and innocent.

Birth of ATO Uno Animo

Congratulations to the ATO Reactive team!!! We celebrated our 6th month as members of the Account Takeover Team last March 2. This also marked our regularization, meaning increase in our salary.(YAY!! BATCH 7!!!)

We also won the Superbowl contest in our account since we met our metrics every week. Kudos!!! Amidst the success, unfortunately, there are intrigues and controversies. I'm just glad that even though we don't see one another everyday, everyone's just there to support one another. Thus, the birth of our team name, UNO ANIMO (Latin, meaning "with one mind; unanimously". Pretty cool for a team name huh?
I LOVE THIS TEAM, MORE OF A FAMILY THAN A TEAM IN THE OFFICE. :)

Kumain kami sa Shakey's and mega picture taking. It was soooo much fun. Parang hindi matagal nagkita, parang kahapon lang.

After the celebration, Joel, RJ and I went to Gateway to watch the movie, "300". Astig yung movie. Magnificent cinematography. Juxtaposition of some sort. Libre ni Teddy bear. At the end of the movie, all I can say to RJ is: "Spartans are sooo hot!!" Hahaha.. You should watch it guys!!!

love myself

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the
india arie

Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be india arie

**i love this song the first time i heard it in Oprah (Love her...) This song is very timely since we are now in a time where fashion models, superstars and doctors have a say on who and what is acceptable. i don't have anything against beauty as I believe we human beings always aspire and struggle for perfection. but I wonder why never for fulfillment and peace and always end up with discontentment and worse, MISERY. Suicides and suicide attempts became rampant because of the feeling of not belonging anywhere or of not being loved at all.

it's been a while...

Grabe almost a month na pala akong hindi nakapagblog. Haggard na kasi ako eh. Pag andito ako sa office, I try to answer as many emails as I can kasi sobrang pagod na talaga ako. I've been missing my beauty rest for quite some time kaya heto, hindi na talaga gaganda. Hahaha!!! Anyway, what have I been up to nowadays?

I'm a parttime trainer in call center academy that my boyfriend, Ceasar and his friends put up. I handle the 6-10pm class from Mondays to Fridays. So an ordinary day for me would be waking up at 430am, leave for work at 5am or 5.10am (should never be later than that), arrive at work before 6am. emails, emails, emails, emails, eat, emails, emails, emails...until 3pm.. Then travel back to Quezon City for my class, teach and have a blasted time with the students dinner at 1030pm and sleep at around midnight... Then the vicious cycle goes on.

HAGGARD!!!! AAArrrggghhh!!!

I think I should get a better a life. Masyado akong busy.. hehehe...

Forgive me, my blog for not spending quality time with you. :(

How do we receive unexpected love from someone???

What if someone loves us and you know from that moment that you can never love that person back? How do we receive such love? How do we refuse from it and keep the friendship? Is is possible?

I remember my angel, his name I prefer not to mention. He loved me in silence while he saw me suffer in an abusive relationship. He kept me strong, kept me sane, because I had no one ten for everybody was angry at me for staying in the relationship. I was broken, down and damaged. I was left with nothing but wounds to heal. He helped me to get back on my feet. Was it love? Almost... We became inseparable but we're not an item. I know I was free but he thought, otherwise. We parted ways as if we never knew each other. He went to California, believing that we were together. Harsh I may be, I kept telling him, it never happened. I thought...Yes, but it never happened.

He said this is his song for me:

BLESSED (CHRISTINA AGUILERA)
When I think how life's used to be
Always walking in the shadows
Then I look at what you've given me
I feel like dancing on my tiptoes
I must say, everyday I wake
And realize you're by my side
I know I'm so blessed

Chorus:

Blessed for everything you've given me
Blessed for all the tenderness you show
Do my best with every breath that's in me
Blessed to make sure u never go

There are times that I test your faith
Til you think you might surrender
Baby I'm, I'm not ashamed to say that
My hopes were growing slender
You walked by in the nick of time
Looking like an anwsered prayer
You know I'm truly blessed

Chorus:

Blessed for everything you've given me
Blessed for all the tenderness you show
Do my best with every breath that's in me
Blessed to make sure u never go

2nd chorus:
Blessed with love and understanding
Blessed when I hear you call my name
(when I hear you call my name baby)
Do my best with faith that's never ending
Blessed to make sure you feel the same

Deep inside of me you fill me with your gentle touch
You know Im truly blessed

Chorus:
Blessed for everything you've given me
Blessed for all the tenderness you show
Do my best with every breath that's in me
Blessed to see you never go
(never never never go)

**yes we do keep in touch every now and then but I know what we had will never be the same again, but it was worth a try. I will always remember him as my angel who helped get my life back from someone who never knew my worth as a person, as a woman, as a partner and as a friend. TO YOU, THANK YOU.

Going through it was fine. But AGAIN!! After 4 years??!! Hey, i'm not sure if this guy is for real but the song, it was too much for me to not at least think and be concern. We only exchanged hi's and hello's in the office but last Christmas, he asked what do I want as a gift. I was kidding but I said anyway that I wanted a hardbound copy of Harry Potter 1. He didn't give that, he gave Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2). Then this song...

"Far Away"
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
**what do you want me to think and feel? although I have settled the issue through responses I sent on his email, I still need to hear what he has to say. I have no intention of leading him on, he is young and there is so much ahead of him, since he'll be leaving for california (hmmm, coincidence?). Spooky.
Still, I find this as a good song. Don't you think?

What I've Been Looking For

I saw the Pop Up version of the High School Musical -- watching the same movie, only better because of the trivia that keeps popping up at almost every scene. I really love this movie. Highly recommended, teaching teens to avoid bad peer pressure, be achievers, value friends and know yourself.

Best of all, I love the song, "What I've been Looking for". Although in the OST, it's Ryan and Sharpay's version of the song, I like Gabriella and Troy's version better. Just want to share the lyrics... Love it!!!

Ryan:
It's hard to believe
That I couldn't see

Together:
You were always there beside me
Thought I was alone
With no one to hold
But you were always right beside me

Sharpay:
This feelings like no other

Together:
I want you to know

I've never had someone that knows me like you do
the way you do
I've never had somone as good for me as you
no one like you so lonely before i finally found
what i've been looking for

Sharpay:
So good to be seen
So good to be heard

Together:
Don't have to say a word

Ryan:
For so long I was lost
So good to be found

Together:
I'm loving having you around

Ryan:
This feeling's like no other

Together:
I want you to know

I've never had someone that knows me like you do
The way you do
I've never had someone as good for me as you
No one like you
So lonely before, I finally found
what I've ben looking for

Together:
Doo Doo DooDoo
Doo Doo DooDoo
Do Do

Woa-ah-ah-oh

So there!!

training

First day of training at The ACCENT last Saturday, February 3, 2007. I almost fell off the stairs on my way to the office.(Injury!!) Wala ako sa sarili, parang nakakapanibago. I'm going to be responsible for the communication growth of these people. I only have three students in my Saturday 8am-5pm class: Mommy Lorie, Rachel and Mommy Ely.

Introductions, orientation, encouragement and oral activities to evaluate their levels. I don't know them yet so I can't really tell you anything about them for now.

All I know is that I'm excited and nervous...

shopping spree

Sweldo na naman... Yehey, tamang-tama!! May sale sa SM North Edsa from Feb. 2 until Feb. 4. As usual, sira ang budget. Ang tagal ko na ring hindi nakakabili ng gamit. kaya diretso agad ako sa ground floor para bumili ng gamit sa bahay. I bought 2 sets of curtains for P100 each, 4 spoons for P100 (the cutest spoons ever!), 4 forks for P100 (the perfect match for the cutest spoons!), 2 pillowcases for P165 and 2 bath towels, on sale for P100 each. Nice!!!

Then I started looking for a nice pair of pumps (actually kahit ano, basta pwede sa jeans at ok din sa office attire) but failed to find one. I'm not a trendsetter, I'm into those styles that are quite hip, I'm more on the safe side of fashion, something that I can wear any time of the year kasi classic. Pero wala masyadong ganon na binebenta ng mura. Kahit sa mga jeans wala ng hindi faded or sandblasted ang color. Musta naman? Pano kung gusto ko yung pants ko mukhang bago at hindi yung mukhang nilabhan na ng ilang beses. kainis!!! Grrr! I ended up buying 1 blouse from Forever 21 which was on sale at P180 (price was: P450, o di ba bongga?)

I bought a wallet at EGG (exciting gifts + goodies), my favorite store to date, for P200 to match my bag (a Xmas gift from papush, from EGG, too). Happiness!! I bought shampoo, soap, deodorants, lotions and toothbrushes. I also went to National Bookstore to buy materials for my training the next day (Saturday).

Tapos, heto na... Lumabas na ang pagkaimpulsive buyer ko... I bought 5 VCDs for P75 each. The titles are: The original Cinderella (Disney), Beauty and The Beast (Disney), Maging Sino Ka Man (Sharonian ako eh. Lam niyo ba?), Bituing Walang Ningning (You're nothing but a second-rate trying hard copycat!) and The Three Musketeers. Wooh.

Tapos umuwi na ako, only to realise, that I forgot to have lunch. nagalit tuloy si bubi.. :( pero he was happy to see na ang ganda ng mga binili ko...hehehe

Great day,Thursday...

Thursday -- this is such a great day!! Reasons?

1. last day for this week, it's my RD tom and on Friday. (woohoo!!!)
2. Marck, a.k.a. baby gurl gave me a sooooo belated xmas 2006 gift --- a brand new hardbound Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets book!!!! (yey!!)
3. queue empty today (after the great flood of emails yesterday) is synonymous to BLOG moment..and YAHOO moment..and GOOGLE moment..Hahaha..
4. I had McDonald's Crispy chicken for lunch (YUM!!)
5. My locker is finally open. (goodbye pretty strong lock, sniff**)
6. more sleeping hours... (double woohoo!!!)
7. SOCO night [scene of the crime operatives] (shout out to Mr. Gus Abelgas)
8. rest day tomorrow
9. rest day tomorrow
10.rest day tomorrow!
11.rest day tomorrow!!
12.rest day tomorrow!!!
13-100. did i say rest day tomorrow??!! :)

Disney-crazy!!!

I feel like a kid these days. Every evening, I tune in to Disney channel and watch their specials. Didn't I mention last time that I watch the television premiere of the Cheetah Girls 2 last Saturday? I also watched Hannah Montana. For two straight nights, I've been watching the Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Last night, I watched Heidi with my boyfriend. Love the story!!!

The two of my favorite songs these days are from the OST of Hannah Montana. Positive outlook in life -- that's what these songs are all about. Just want to share to all of you guys -- stay positive, though it's not bad to cry or whine every now and then but always remember to look on the brighter side of things after a session of tears and shouts. Alrighty???!

**This Is The Life**
Take the world
Shake and stir
And that's what I got goin' on
I throw my cares up in the air
And I don't think they're comin' down
Yeah, I love how it feels right now

This is the life! Hold on tight!
And this is the dream
It's all I need!
You never know where you'll find it
And I'm gonna take my time, yeah
I'm still getting it right
This is the Life

Takin' in a whole new scene
And I'm swimming with a new crowd (crowd)
Breakin' down the old four walls
And building them up from the ground
I love how it feels right now

This is the life! (life!)
Hold on tight! (hold on, hold on!)
And this is the dream! (dream!)
It's all I need! (hold on!)
You never know where you'll find it
And I'm gonna take my time yeah.
And I'm still getting it right
This is the life

Gonna follow my own lead, yeah!
Kick back and feel the breeze!
Nothing but the blue sky!
As far as I can see!

This is the life
Hold on tight!
And this is the dream!
It's all I need!
You never know where you'll find it
And I'm gonna take my time, yeah
I'm still getting it right

This is the life! (life! Yeah!)
Hold on tight! (hold on, hold on!)
And this is the dream! (dream!)
It's all I need! (hold on!)
You never know where you'll find it
And I'm gonna take my time yeah
I'm still getting it right
This is the Life
**Best Of Both Worlds**
Oh yeah
Come on

You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe, every color

Yeah, when you're famous it can be kinda fun
It's really you but no one ever discovers

In some ways you're just like all your friends
But on stage you're a star

You get the best of both worlds
Chill it out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show

You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together (oh, yeah) and you know that it's the best of both worlds

The best of both worlds

You go to movie premiers (is that Orlando Bloom?)
Hear your songs on the radio
Livin' two lives is a little weird
But school's cool cuz nobody knows

Yeah you get to be a small town girl
But big time when you play your guitar

You get the best of both worlds
Chillin' out take it slow
Then you rock out the show

You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both
You know the best of both worlds

Pictures and autographs
You get your face in all the magazines
The best parts that you get to be who ever you wanna be

Yeah best of both
You get the best of both
Come on best of both

Who would of thought that a girl like me
Would double as a superstar

You get the best of both worlds
Chillin' out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show

You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together and you know that it's the best of both worlds

You get the best of both worlds
Without the shades and the hair
You can go anywhere

You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together
Oh yeah
It's so much better cuz you know you've got the best of both worlds

BEWARE: JOYSELLE EXPRESS, INC CONDUCTOR

Takot pa rin ako hanggang ngayon... Sorry hindi ko nakwento kahapon kasi sobrang hindi ko pa talaga kaya. Baka magbreakdown ako dito sa production floor, nakakahiya. Tama na'ng mga teammates/friends ko ang nakakita na wala ako sa sarili ko pagdating ko ng office kahapon ng umaga. Akala nga nila na-rape ako o naholdap.

May nakaaway kasi akong kundoktor kahapon. Tawagin na lang natin siyang Mamang Ma'am. Hehehe. Basta ang mapapayo ko lang, magbayad na lang kayo ng sakto sa bus lalo na pag nakita ninyo itong kundoktor na ito sa Joyselle Express na mamang mukhang tibo ( actually feeling ko tibo talaga siya pero later na details...)

Sumakay ako ng Joyselle Express papunta sa office. Nagbayad ako ng P100,sabi ni Mamang Ma'am (MM) mamaya na daw ang sukli ko kasi puro P100 ang binayad ng karamihan. Eh nakita ko naman na totoo kaya ok lang. Binigyan ako ng tiket tapos tinago ko na sa bulsa ng bag ko. Hayun, Sunday ride -- ang daming tao. May nakaaway pa si MM na mama tapos minura siya dahil sa sukli, hindi na lang kumibo yung iba kasi hindi naman nila alam ang puno't dulo kaya dedma na lang kami. kaya enjoy lang ulit ng diretsong biyahe. . . . . pagdating sa Boni, tinanong ko si MM tungkol doon sa sukli ko..

MM: San ka sumakay?
me: Sa philcoa po.
MM: San ka bababa?
me: Sa Pasong Tamo po.
MM: mamaya na malayo ka pa naman.

So heto naman ako thinking na last akong bibigyan kasi akong yung pinakamalayo pang bababaan sa mga nagbayad ng P100.

Pagdating sa Ayala cor. Edsa, nakotongan sila ng mga pulis-Makati, sa tagal ko ng sumamsakay ng bus papunta ng office, eh never pang hinuli ang sinasakyan kong bus pag doon nagbababa ng pasahero dun e, Saka HELLO!!! Sunday at 5.40a.m.(JANUARY 28, 2007, LINGGO, 5.40AM), walang heavy traffic. naawa ako kay MM kaya bilang malasakit kinuha ko ang body at plate number ng mobile, oras ng pagkakahuli at saan. (nag-email na ako kay mayor!) Para hindi maulit, di ba?

Paglagpas ng Paseo de Roxas, saka palang ako nagkaroon ng chance na lumapit kay MM at ito na ang simula ng matinding bangungot ko...

me: ung sukli po sa P100?
MM: akin na ang tiket (binigay ko..)
tapos tinititigan lang niya tiket ko. eh naiinis na ako kasi malapit na ang babaan ko ano?!

At alam niyong ginawa nya?! tinupi niya ang tiket sabay sabing...

MM: hindi kita susuklian kasi walang marka ang tiket mo. Minamarkahan ko ang tiket na susuklian ko. Sa 'yo wala kaya hindi kita susuklian!! (sabay ipit ng tiket sa isa sa mga upuan!)

me: malay ko ho ba kung may marka yan o dapat nyong markahan? hindi ko naman trabaho yan para tingnan ko. (malapit na kong maiyak, shaky na ang voice ko)

MM: basta hindi kita susuklian. ako pa ang lolokohin mo.

since ang alam ko nga (at least ang tingin ko sa kanya eh,) tibo siya, tawag ko na sa kanya ma'am...

me: Ma'am P100 ang pera ko, P75 pa ho sukli ko tapos hindi niyo ibibigay sa akin. Hindi ho manloloko, edukado ho akong tao. Hindi ho ako manloloko.

MM: eh wala ngang marka yung tiket. Ako pa ang lolokohin mo. At walang Ma'am dito!!

me: Ma'am bababa na ako, dito na po ako bababa, ibigay ninyo na ang sukli ko.

MM: tingnan mo kung kelan ka na bababa saka mo hihingin tong sukli mo. Ayos ka rin 'no. Sinabi ng hindi ako ma'am. Gago!!

me: bakit ninyo ako minumura? hindi ninyo ko pinapakain.

sabay eksena na ang driver...

D: sige na ibigay mo na.

MM: kawawa naman tayo... (siyempre galit siya)
MM: o ayan, abuloy ko sa yo. Style mo bulok. Manloloko ka! (pababa na ako at hindi na ako makahinga sa sama ng loob)

**actually hanggang ngayon natatakot pa rin ako kahit kinukwento ko na lang. Grabe. naghintay talaga ako kanina ng MALTC na bus, hindi pa ako handang sumakay ulit doon. Nang kinuwento ko kay Ceasar, galit na galit talaga siya, pupuntahan na niya talaga yung opisina pero hanggang ngayon, wine-weigh ko pa kung anong tamang gawin at kung bakit mo pa gagawin ang isang bagay. Gusto sana nina Tetay, defamation, pero worth it pa ba yun? Ano ba ang maa-achieve ng paghahabol ko? Apology? Masisante si Mamang Ma'am? Ano ba? Iniisip ko pa, actually, tinitimbang ko pa kung anong mas mahalaga... ang pagkakapahiya ko sa harap ng mga tao o ang katotohanan na hindi ako manloloko? o ang katahimikan ng loob ko tuwing sasakay ako ng bus nila? o ang ipakita sa kanya na mali ang ginawa niya? Basta iniisip ko pa yun.

Kaya kayo, magbayad ng sakto lalo na sa umaga (hangga't kaya) tapos pag susuklian pa kayo lalo na't malaki ang bill, i-check niyo kung may marka at kung wala, itanong ninyo agad sa kundoktor kung paano nila matatandaan kung magkano isusukli nila. OK!!

Ciao.

big brunch with the girls!!

I was craving for pancakes with maple syrup. Ewan ko ba! Parang nakaamoy lang ako dito sa production floor.

Tetay, Tin and I had brunch at Jollibee Export Bank Plaza nang mag-queue empty na. I first had pancakes and hot chocolate. But when I saw Tin having spaghetti and macaroni soup (with pie!) tapos si Tetay having the Big Breakfast, dunno the real name for that. Inggit ako!!! Kaya after my dessert, order agad ng Crispy chicken burger with fries. But if you're fond of McChicken (the Sandwich), you'll stick to that kahit matikman mo yung Jollibee Crispy Chicken burger. I don't know -- may nutty taste eh (yoko talaga ng mani!), hindi masarap yung dressing (doesn't complement the patty) tapos ang veggies, hindi maayos ang pagkakalagay. Sana yung picture na lang yung totoo. Hehehe. Pero filling na rin. Heto busog pa ako... Parang hanggang dinner na yata'to (parang baka?!!)

Love, Deuce and Advantage

I watched the final game of the Australian Open Women's Division. It's the battle between Serena Williams and Maria Sharapova. I like Serena because she's a great tennis player. I have never seen her underestimate an opponent. She always plays with so much intensity, focus and determinatio. sometimes who will be the winner is out of the question. I like Maria Sharapova because she's beautiful and lady-like but very cunning in her strategies as well. At 19, she has a very promising career ahead of her.

That's why I was torn between the two greats yesterday when I watched them battle it out for the title. Sharapova is seeded as number 1 in the world, while Serena is unseeded as she has been inactive for more than a year (after the death of her sister in a shooting incident) and is ranked number 87.

It turned out that Maria was not in the game, not in her usual competitive mode. I saw her talking to herself, as if she's fighting some demons around her who sort of possessed her and not giving her a chance to play her game. The battle ended within an hour and 3 minute with a score: 2-6, 2-6. The commentators even mentioned that this was the easiest game Serena had in the whole open.

This is Serena's 3rd grand slam championship, now she is now among the greats like Navratilova, Stefi Graf and Martina Hingis (my ultimate crush in the Tennis World).

I believe Maria was almost on the verge of tears. I believe she knows that Serena took advantage of the unforced errors, double faults and faulty forehand and backhand shots she committed. But she was a great sport when she was asked by the emcee to give a few words. She even joked about her loss. I LOVE HER!!!

Serena was such a great champion, recognising the great potential of Sharapova. She entered the competition as an unseeded, ranked number 87 and left Australia at number 14.. WOW!! Love Tennis...

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala ...(Happy Tree Friends theme)

I just want to share one of the songs that I shared with my teammates at eBay UK. The theme for such songs started with Cacai, the baby of the team. I love this song the first time I heard and saw it in Myx. The song is realistic. It doesn't a bitter feel to it. The girl in the song is not in denial that she still loves the guy but is optimistic that she will get through this trying time.

For the people who have been hurt,

May you take this moment of grief, of loneliness, of pain as a blessing -- that you still feel... Let the tears flow and roll down your face. It's not bad to indulge in the bittersweet taste of love. But never let that pain kill your faith and your hope in love -- losing faith and hope in love means losing faith and love in God -- for God is the source of true love and happiness. We may never understand the purpose of such pain today but we will, in time. For God's loving hands continue to work, to prepare the perfect moment for you and your lifetime partner, God never stops working, but He is waiting for us to show him that we are ready. For the people who are in pain, just feel it and let it help you be stronger and better...

Someday (Nina)
Someday you’re gonna realize.
One day, you’ll see this through my eyes.
By then, I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I care.

I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you're the last guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
though I’m not that strong
But it wont take long,
Wont take long.

Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
You see I won’t even miss you
Someday, someday.

(I know, someone's
gonna be there.)

Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day, these tears they will all run dry
I won’t have to cry,
sweet goodbye
Another song... Wala lang.. Hindi naman ako brokenhearted ngayon but I just like this song. I first heard this song sa Starstruck (current season, I'm not sure what batch). Kinanta ng apat na girls pero pinaka love kong performance yung kay Stef. Pretty with a pretty voice and good stage presence (Pinoy Pop Superstar judge?)

Irreplaceable (Beyonce)
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left

In the closet that's my stuff - Yes
If I bought it nigga please don't touch
And keep talking that mess, that's fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time
And It's my mine name that is on that Jag
So remove your bags let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard telling me
How I'm such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And call up on that chick and see if she is home
Oops, I bet ya thought that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Cause you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby you dropped them keys hurry up before your taxi leaves
Standing in the front yard telling me
How I am such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby

ANG TARAY, DI BA?

Last song for this blog...

Nagustuhan ko itong song na ito kasi it talks about freedom. It encourages speaking out, coz no one will do it for you. Alam ninyo naman ako..MEEK!!
Naririnig ko na 'to sa commercial ng Pantene. Pero I get to here the real beauty of the song nung pinatugtog ni Joycee sa office. Ayun, I'm hooked. Hindi ko pa rin kabisado pero keber.. Like ko ito...

Unwritten (Natasha Anne Bedingfield)

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

in the absence of my presence...

It's been a while...Na-miss ko 'to!! (ok kahit papaano) I was so hooked up finishing the two Agatha Christie Jane Marple mysteries that I borrowed from Mau's baby sister, Rochelle (Bing to most of us). Grabe!! Hindi pa rin kumukupas si Manang Agatha, ganda talaga ng pagkakasulat at pagkakapresent ng mga events. Mas nagustuhan ko nga lang yung "What Mrs McGillicuddy saw" kasi the case was opened in an unorthodox way. Like the witness was not even connected with the suspect or the victim. Basta astig. Tapos yung mystery ng human nature, how somehow it boils down to deprivation, to blame, to hatred then to murder (be it accidental or premeditated). Hindi ko pa nga natatapos yung Sybil pero go agad ako kay Agatha, tagal ko na rin kasing hindi nakakabasa ng aklat niya. Ang hirap kasing hanapin ngayon sa Recto ang mga works niya. Anyway, since I am through reading Agatha Christie, I'm now back to Sybil.

Why did it take me so long to write another blog? Medyo busy-busyhan. (ahem) Last time, ang nabanggit ko, mag-eexam sis ko sa PUP right? Bad news, my sister didn't pass the UPCAT exam. I don't know if my sister knows but I just don't have the guts to tell her. Not that she badly wants to study there, but I just felt that it would be a great sense of achievement for her. (Stage ate??!!) I just hope she makes it to PUP, because this is where she really wants to study. Haay!! Mega worry na naman ako. As you know, ok kung sa PUP siya, alam ninyo bang P12 per unit lang doon?!! Tapos hindi na aabot ng libo ang miscellaneous fees?!! Eh di makakatipid na si Ate, makakaipon na ako ng pambili ng videocam at PC... Libre lang mangarap.

Check out: http://www.pup.edu.ph/admissions/fees.asp

Ok ang quality ng education dun kasi state university yun eh. Kaso paano kung hindi? Pero malabo din na hindi pero worst case scenario?? I know you're wondering why I am so worried about this. But this is my promise to my mom that once my sister's in college, she doesn't have to worry about anything. AND I WANT TO FULFILL THAT PROMISE!!! Because I have been a bad daughter, I want to make it up to my mom and my dad. Haay!! Pressure!! Good thing, Ceasar's there to back me up. Give me the courage and the confidence that I can do it -- WE CAN DO IT!! (Romantic 'no?) Shucks!!! (blushing..)

After the exam, we went to Gate 1 of Manila Pier, to visit Doulos, the floating bookstore. (naalala ko si Manong Tanod dun sa sakayan ng mga jeep sa Pier, nakataxi kasi kami kasi hindi namin alam Safest way na magmukhang tanga, nakataxi ka! Kaso si manong Tanod nainis sa amin, hindi namin siya ma-gets. MALAMANG!! Kung alam ba namin, magtatanong pa ba kami? KUMUSTA NAMAN!!!?) Once there, megalakad kasi sobrang trafik tapos PILA.... PILA.... PILA.... PILA.... PILA.... PILA.... PILA.... (teka UP na ba ito?) It took us 2 1/2 hours waiting in line before we actually went aboard the ship and looked for books. By the time we were on the ship, we don't have the strength to move any muscle to search for the books we like. It'll be a disappointment if you think that you'll find in Doulos the books that you've been wanting to buy at National Bookstore, Powerbooks or Fully Booked at the cheapest price. Because it's likely that you WON'T kasi WALA!! Dictionaries, christian/catechism books (at they are spreading the word of God), cook books and great reference books from McGraw-Hill and Glencoe Publications. May novels din pero never heard dito sa Philippines ang mga novelits kaya I didn't take the risk to buy one.

What's nice about Doulos is that this is a haven for public schools. Why? Because they have this promo... Sa Ukay-ukay section ng Doulos, if you buy a Doulos katsa bag (take note: walang tatak ng DOULOS--- blanko) for 300pesos you'll get 3 books of your choice. I was able to buy 2 bags so I now have 1 book for basic English, 1 book for Economics, 2 books for basic High School Mathematics and 2 books for French learning -- for only 600 pesos at lahat hardbound and bago!!! So kung ang DepEd nag-alot ng 100,000 pesos, meron ng 10,000 reference books na mabibili na pwedeng ibigay at ibahagi sa maraming Public schools!! Imagine!!! Sana kinuha nila ang pagkakataon na yun. Still, I went home a happy bunny. :p

Kumain pala ulit kami ni Ceasar sa Javi's (Sikatuna Village). The home of refillable iced tea, affordable yummy steaks, jalapeño cheese fingers and friendly service. Wala lang.. Galante si Sir, nagyaya after work, ayun.. P300 pwede na, kasama na pamasahe doon ha? Yummy pero namp&%@#! sira na naman ang vow kong mag-diet. Fine! Healthier nga ang iced tea kesa sa beer pero pag nakapito ka nang large glasses of iced tea, healthy pa ba yun? :) Sabi nga ni Edgran, bakit parang ako daw ang nalalasing at ang kulit ko daw?!!! heheheh

Last week, busy week kasi tumulong ako sa pag-organise ng thoughts ni Ceasar, dami niya kasing pinagkakaabalaha: business, school, banda at turo.. Haay!! Ayun ang loko, hilong talilong. kaya pag naglalaro siya ng PS2 sa buong time na magkasama kami, hinahayaan ko na ang bata, dun lang daw siya nakakapag-unwind. Kawawa naman, eh. Haay..

dishwalla moment: Angels or Devils

Angels or Devils - Dishwalla

this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside
I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold
this is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see
well I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time
the angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us
if I were to give in - give it up
- and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
it could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold
I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

**this has been my favorite song these past couple of weeks. I don't know why. I mean, I'm not sad or depressed. In fact, I am happy and grateful to be so blessed to have my boyfriend in my life, making me feel loved and encouraging me to be the best that I can be. I just love the feeling of surrender, of actually saying something with the intention of doing, of the strength of giving up but still making that person that you'll always be there -- understanding the person, loving the person, being one with the person's feelings and thoughts. (**Thanks, teddy bear, for sharing with me this song!)

aching but working

I wasn't feeling well when I woke up this morning. Felt like not coming to work, but thought better ... 600++ din mababawas sa sweldo ko 'no? (Lapit pa naman prom ng sis ko, daming bibilhin, tapos Valentine's Day at monthsary namin ni Chachiez... parang hindi ako makakagalaw kung wala akong pera.) So, I went to work. I answered emails for over 2 hours, (queue empty na!! Yahoo!) finished reading "The Summons" (finally!!) and now doing my blog just to kill time.

We are going to have our team photo shoot today, hopefully all of us will still look normal -- praying that I will still look like I'm alive since I'm really not feeling well. Hehehehe... In 2 weeks time, makikita na namin ang mga mukha namin sa tarpaulin na nakakabit sa wall ng production floor. Does this mean that we are 2 months away from regularization? 15-day paid leaves? a salary increase? Sana naman... :)

I'm very disappointed with the how the story went in John Grisham's The Summons. Far from my favorite John Grisham work, The Partner. The denouement encouraged more questions rather than the usual "yun pala yun!". Makes me wanna ask the brother more on the whys and hows of his actions. Kalungkot naman. Feeling ko minadali yung pagkakagawa ng book. Wala lang. **Thanks, Tetay.

On Wednesday, Ceasar and I are going to watch "Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros" at the UP Film Center. It's our monthsary date. Hwehehe. But this time, it'll be more fun because we will watch it with our friends, Dan (brod ni Ceasar), Mia (Dan's girlfriend), Nini (anak-anakan namin ni Ceasar) and Norecil (ate ni Nini at girlfriend ng gitarista namin na si Gerard). Kaya excited na ako. I haven't seen the film, but have been wanting to see it, wala lang talagang chance. At least ngayon, lapit lang.

Exam na pala ng sister ko sa Sunday sa PUP. Ako yung mas kinakabahan para sa kanya. Feeling ko ako yung maiiyak, ako yung mas masaya pag makapasa siya. Haay!! Sana bigyan ako ng lakas. Lapit na rin lumabas ang resulta sa UP, sana makapasa siya. Wala lang...

Nawala yung sama ng pakiramdam ko. Hilamos lang pala ang katapat at gamot. Wahehehehe.

Hopefully, I'll get a decent sleep tonight. Bumabalik na yung sakit ko eh. I'm easily stressed out when I lack sleep.

But then again, ER and Judging Amy night...

The Art of Letting Go

**wala lang.. tamang senti mga girls dito sa ATO Reactive.

I realised that so many things have been happening in the lives of my teammates, and I have no idea what they are ALL about. It's not that I care less or don't care at all, I just don't feel comfortable prying on other people's lives. I do want to know what's going on and I want to be there for them. But first, I want them to know that I want to... I just don't know how...So here!

**This is my share.

The Art Of Letting Go

Put away the pictures.
Put away the memories.
I put over and over
Through my tears
I've held them till I'm blind
They kept my hope alive
As if somehow that I'd keep you here
Once you believed in a love forever more?
How do you leave it in a drawer?

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

Try to say it's over
Say the word goodbye.
But each time it catches in my throat
Your still here in me
And I can't set you free
So I hold on to what I wanted most
Maybe someday we'll be friend's forever more
Wish I could open up that door

Now here it comes, the hardest part of all
Unchain my heart that's holding on
How do I start to live my life alone?
Guess I'm just learning,
Learning the art of letting go

Watching us fade
What can I do?
But try to make it through
the pain of one more day
Without you

Where do I start, to live my life alone?
I guess I'm learning, only learning,
Learning the art of letting go.

2nd Rest Day...NO REST AT ALL

Saturday... my temples are throbbing, I'm awake but my eyes are still aching for another couple of hours of sleep. But I need to start my day ASAP so I can sleep early that night.

ITINERARY FOR SATURDAY:

1. Go to Recto, get the books that I ordered. (Sybil and Sidney Sheldon's Are You Afraid of the Dark?)
2. Go to Timog for my appointment with my Dermatologist
3. Drop by at National Bookstore to file for the renewal of my Laking National Card. (true!)
4. Grocery! Grocery! Grocery! (Yipee!!)

(oh, I almost forgot.. Have lunch?! hehe)

Arrived in Recto around 11.30am, can't wait to see MY books. I know, a lot of people don't share my passion for these wonderful wonders but buying books is one of the reasons why I am always anxious to get my salary. This time, it's Sybil, one book that I know is no longer reprinted. I bought this book for P300. Before it was for sale for P600 and this is a second-hand book. I had to beg Myrna (bookseller) to make it cheaper someday, since lagi naman akong bumibili sa kanya. (Ung 4 kong Harry Potter Hardbound books, sa kanya ko binili at P500 each and other great novels)Guess, I have proven my worth to get this for 300 smackaroos.

**sidetrip -- "Sybil" is a book about a woman named Sybil who has 13 personalities. I haven't read this one, but when I read the Table of Contents of this book, it sent chills deep down. There's a chapter describing the hierarchy of the "selves", their birth and history. (**will tell you more about it soon.)
This is a true story.

I also bought a brand new Sidney Sheldon's "Are you Afraid of the Dark?" for P250. I am so excited because the last time I bought a Sidney Sheldon book was last October, my dream novel, Sands of Time; this book is said to be used by professors in psychology classes today. (Curiosity got the better of me, so I bought it.)

I missed my appointment with my dermatologist, since I need to be at home by 4pm (para sa Wish ko lang. Heheheh, kaya sa susunod na sweldo na lang. c",)) So I just went straight to SM North Edsa to have my Laking NAtional Card (LNC) renewed and buy food.

Had lunch at 3.30pm. Grabe, hilong-hilo na ko.

Went home, read "The Summons" and cried my heart out watching "Wish Ko Lang" Waaaah!! Nakakabilib ang mga bata... Ang lalim na ng pagmamalasakit sa pamilya, kahit para sa kanila na ang bagay na natatanggap nila, ibinabahagi pa rin nila. Haaay.

:'c

busy as a bee

Just came from my off which didn't feel like it. On my 1st rest day, I laundered my clothes, cleaned the refrigerator and took care of the mistakes made on the flyers. Tried to grab a couple of hours of sleep, but I never had the chance as there were a lot of people who came and went who somehow needed something from me.

Plus, my cousin kept texting me, trying to convince me to watch their gig in Timog. I really want to come and give him and his band my support, as I know how it feels coz I've been there - my bandmates have been there... It's just that I was so tired to really go out and have fun.

My boyfriend and I had dinner -- fried luncheon meat and delicious Nido soup (my favorite!!) around 6.30pm while watching the news. After having dinner and watching the news, I continued reading "The Summons" and my boyfriend played NBA Live in his PS2. Shoot!! An omen that this is going to be a boring evening. Hohumm.

Good thing, my bestfriend, Edgran dropped by around 9.30pm. We decided to go to our favorite hang-out in Sikatuna Village -- JAVI'S!! It's a bummer that I already had dinner, so I don't have an excuse to order a porterhouse steak meal. Instead, we ordered Crispy Sizzling sisig (yummy!), Jalapeño Cheese fingers (yummier but super spicy) and sour cream fries (ahhhh, this is the life!) with beer (for Ceasar and Gran) and refillable iced tea (for me!! --Ha! is this my day or what?!)

Then, a great conversation drowned the night, til we realised it's already 2am. We went to Philcoa to pick up JB and we went to our place. We decided to hit the sack when JB and Gran went home to go to Rain's place.

I was really tired. What seemed to be a boring and tiring day turned out to be a day that ended with a great night with friends...

:)

The day before my RD

**this is my last day for this week, it's my day off tomorrow, Friday and Saturday. I feel like I've been passive to the people around me today since I am sleepy the moment I woke up this morning. I can't wait to get home, lay in bed, read finish the book,"The Summons" by John Grisham (Tetay, thank you and sorry for making your book stay with me this long.) and sleep for hours!! Ha!

Hopefully, in the weeks to come, I'll give you some personal reviews on books that I've read or bought. Also, past experiences that will haunt me and my days every now and then. Sounds crazy, but they do. I sometimes find myself crying my heart out to my boyfriend for things that I've accepted, will not change.

Like this one...

I know that I have a great childhood because I was oblivious to things that happened in my family and around me or I was made to be oblivious to them. But now that I am all grown-up, I realised that I have so many things to say to my mom, my dad, my aunties, my brother, my titas, my sister --- but I was made to believe that I should not feel such emotions as I will disappoint a lot of them. Only to find out in the end that I can actually feel them and it's not bad because feeling such things is a giant step towards healing. Maybe that's why I kept looking back to the past or it's the past that kept haunting me because I never fully recovered because I never truly faced them. Hmmm, thinking about changing this situation -- meaning telling these feelings to their face, I'm not sure if they can actually handle them --the bottled-up anger, hidden insanity and frustration, regrets, blame and hopes that never found their way out.

In the coming weeks, I'll be more specific as they come.

But for now, I'm tired, exhausted and sleepy.

hoohhuuuummm...

zzzzzzzzzzzz............

not in the mood

**no decent sleep since Friday

**I fell asleep on the bus on my way to work

**my back is aching.

**queue empty at 10am

**nothing to read, left my book at home

**no emails to send

**eating is a chore

**good thing, I got a good CSAT score for the 3rd week of December :)

**a quiet production floor for ATO Reactive (morning shift)

**heard Olekeki snoring (peace!)

**I miss my boyfriend

**wonder what and where will eat this Friday

**can't wait to visit MV Doulos

**can't wait to see "Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros"

**my head aches, have to wear my glasses

**remembered I have bills to pay next week

**need to pick up my reserved books in Recto next week

**I miss my bed and my 4 pillows

**I missed watching the ER rerun last night, must watch it tonight if I'm still awake

**I need to have my Laking National card renewed next week

**this is such a lousy day

hohummmmm...

zzzzzzzzzzz.....

TRUTH, will you set me free?

Looking at my blog, I suddenly asked myself two questions: "Am I ready to face the truth?" and "Am I ready to face the people who will know the truth?"

I want to let everything out (ok, not everything! there are things that better kept private, but I know you know what I mean.) but I am afraid of what the truth brings. I'm not sure if I have isolated my life's truth to the world -- or if this is the first time I will be truthful in a long time -- or if I still know the difference between truth and lies -- TOO MANY IFs FOR TRUTH BUT I MYSELF DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR IT!!!

But there is one thing I need and want to promise myself --- I will DO MY BEST to be as TRUTHFUL as I CAN BE.

I feel better just thinking about it...

Land of the Loving

Land of the Loving

Deep in your eyes is a promise
Love can be ours if we want it
Starting tonight, every dream I vere knew
Here in your arms I'm believing
Finally, my life has a meaning of its own
Here in the land of the loving, I am home

I was alone in the city
Searching for someone to find me
Cold empty nights and a million strangers'eyes
Here in your arms I'm beginning
To leave behind all the loneliness I knew
Here in the land of the loving, there is you

In this simple room,
Magic is made, though the world seems unchanged
Leave the lights on, I'm a little afraid,
This might be just a sweet dream

Deep in the night love is growing
Though I had no way of knowing
That when I found you, I found everything I need
Here in your arms, I'll be staying
Finally my life won't be living all alone
Here in the land of the loving, I am home

**this is one of my favorite love songs of all time -- Land of the Loving by David Benoit. I sang this at my Kuya Cromwell's wedding -- his song for his wife, Ate Lhee.

This song reminds me that someday you'll find the right person for you -- to share your triumphs and defeats with -- he/she may not be perfect but he/she is the person where God's love and promises come true. (eeew, mushy!!)

what's in a name?

My name is Jennyvie, to me, a disastrous version of Genevieve (thanks to my Dad). According to the legend, I was supposed to be christened as either Patricia or Carrie Lizbeth. Bummer, huh?

Moving on... I am known to most people as Jen. Not too feminine, just right, couldn't be mistaken for a guy, but not to be interpreted as weak or gullible. My nickname sort of masks who I am.

An angel once called me Yvie, even until I decided to leave the protection of his wings. I thought I would fall in love with someone who treated me differently, but it wasn't meant to be. It was destined that he calls me Yvie. It was destined that he is the angel who will remind me of the endless possibilities life and love has to offer. But we're not destined to be together. (try ko lang i-share sa susunod)

So, where did IENI come from? Ieni is the Hawaiian name for Jen or Jenny.

I found that this is the Hawaiian translation for my nickname when Cai, one of my teammates (ATO Reactive), decided to have Hawaiian Christmas last year. We were supposed to wear hula skirts or summer dresses, put up a Hawaiian Christmas and make each stations exclusive for each one of us with our Hawaiian names posted.

What's in a name? Stories, memories, possibilities...

So, there! IENI...

Finally...

Finally, I have a blog. Yup, it's seems like it's a big deal for me, coz I'm not techie, as it is quite ironic that I am working for eBay UK (email support).

Why do I need a blog? Hmmm, let me see. Seriously, I don't know. I just felt like having one. A venue for me to be in touch with myself, my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences. I hope people won't get me wrong in saying this, but sometimes, I get tired of talking to and being around people. Hey, I do love being around people since this is always a chance for me to learn more, widen my horizon and be a better person. But sometimes... well, most of the time, I just want to be alone, be silent, reflect and listen to myself. Better, read a good book until I fall asleep.

'Guess, blogs help you think and reflect of what happens in your life, without the buzz of people around you who have judgments and, perhaps, unsolicited advices.

May this be the start of my life where I will be able to say, "Finally, I have been honest with myself, with the world watching."