My mom passed away last Tuesday, June 5, 2007 at 2pm. I wasn't by her side when all this happened. It took the wind out of me when I heard about it. I was helpless. I was in Makati then, got out from work while she was there in a hospital in Fairview, with my younger sister and stepdad.
I know she was growing weak every day but I didn't expect her to be gone so sudden. Thoughts came rushing into my head. What will I do without her? Who will teach me to become a good mother? Who will comfort me and protect when things go wrong? My angel is gone, God needs her more than ever.
It was difficult to see her lifeless. She had a wonderful sense of humor, a positive disposition in life despite the struggles that go with it. She was a friend to me and she respected whatever I can do.
Everything that go with death is such an agony. It's like doing things for something that you haven't really accepted is existing. Somehow the experience was both funny and infuriating. Choosing the coffin for her, when to bury her, clothes she had to wear -- similar stuff. it's like you're weak but you have to move, take care of things, but still in denial of the truth.
I just can't believe I'm buying an expensive dress for her without seeing the look in her eyes. I want to kow if she liked the dress, if I made the right choice, if I made her happy, if I had been a good daughter to her even if it's just for that day. But I know that I will never know the answers. I just hope she sees from afar that I did my best to make the choices I made.
I am crippled. I never made such major decisions in my life without consulting her first. Though we disagree at times, I won't deny that her opinions matter, that her approval and happiness mean the world to me. Now I have to live up to the love and care he has given my brothers and sister. It's impossible I know but I am thankful that my siblings are understanding and supportive.
Her death was definitely unwanted but our lost served as a wake up call for all of us who love her very much. We are more together than ever before. Wounds starts to heal and blessings are better counted.
I miss her but I know she is done with her mission here on earth - for her family, her children, for her friends and for the lives she dearly touched. I stopped crying, probably because I have no tears left for it. It's weird but I'm at peace with everything. It's like I know something good happened here. I'm not mourning. I refuse to wear the traditional black pin. I refuse to stay at home and rest. I went back to the way things are as deep inside I know, something wonderful just happened. I don't think mom would want me to put my world into a halt. She wants me to be strong and take charge and I know I will.
It's my turn, Mom. Don't worry, I will do my best. Be at peace. Things will be better.
