i thought wrong

When I was younger, I thought my friends and I would handle relationships, emotions and heartbreaks better than we were handling them then.

Nine years later, I find myself sitting across one of my high school friends, comforting him, giving him hope that things will be better after a confusing separation with the girl whom he thought he will spend the rest of his life with.

Plans, dreams, romantic nights, wonderful sleeps with that person -- all going down the drain. Suddenly, things just doesn't seem to make sense anymore. You're left wondering what went wrong. "Was everything that we have just that easy to let go?" "I thought we meant something."

Those questions that really only give you reasons to doubt yourself if you'll ever find love -- lasting love...

In the end, I realised we are still the same through the years, we remain the same. We love, we get hurt, we hope and love again.. Hmm, sounds like a vicious cycle to me, but it's something that I believe we all must go through because I know, in the end, we will find that person meant for us -- despite the pain we go through, tears cried, other people whom we thought will be with us --- someone is at the end of this cycle, ready to take us -- flaws and all -- start anew and build your dreams and turn them into a reality..

I thought, when my friends and I are older, we'll handle such feelings with calm and composure -- will never shed a tear and handle our emotions with "maturity".. I thought wrong.. we remain the same, yet better. I remain the same, but now, happier. =D

TV DRAMA

I want to get out of here, be by myself. I want to let my frustrations out without a care in the world that I am wrong. I just want to get this out of my system.

Some just don't get it and it adds to the flame. I need to go out and abuse my body until my energy runs out. I need to escape this trap of propriety and patience. I know I deserve it now because I have been working hard yet time disagrees. How long must I wait again and watch others reap what I sow? How long must I endure this world that seems unfair?

In the end, I found myself looking at me in shame and asking these questions to which I used to know the answers to.

Where is the heart that endures?

Where is the wisdom that prevails and that guides the mind to understand?

Where is the life that breathes beyond honor and recognition?

Where is the human being that values love and fulfillment?

Now I finally find myself in peace.. enough to alllow me to sleep soundly and a reason to stay.

for sundaycame

Facebook note..
The year 2007 is a year of transition for me. People may not understand the logic of everything that has come into being, but as I see things the way they are now, everything will be for the best.

I lost my mom last year to a heart attack that no one expected. It wasn't a stroke that may have given me the opportunity to serve my mom. It wasn't.My mom wasn't given the second chance. I never have that second chance.

But I found how a lot of people loved my mom in their own special ways. Yes, my mom was indeed hurt by a lot of people in her life, but in the end, what mattered to her were the people she so cared about.

In the last days of my mom here on earth, friends became brothers and sisters, a part of our now, small family.

I know that losing my mom would bring a big change in my life. I no longer have the luxury of looking after my own interest. I see every penny worth saving for my sister's school expenses. I promised my mom that I will take care of everything, once my sister is in college. And I am determined to keep that promise.

All that I dreamed of having in my life will now have to take a back seat. I have to be a big sister/parent/guardian/friend/provider for my sister. I have to put her needs first over mine.

I realised how unselfish my mom was to do everything that I am doing now all these years and even more -- without complaining. I know she cried when she's all alone or when she prayed to God when she's tired or disappointed or hurt-- I just didn't know that it was THIS hard.

My love for music and my commitment to my friends/bandmates were not spared from this change. I officially left the band last year without talking to them. I just didn't have the heart and the guts to tell them. I feel that I have failed them but it's something that I must do. I don't want to keep them from achieving their dream. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself if those God-given talents will be never be recognised. I believed in them then, and I still believe in them now even though I'm no longer with them in the path they are taking.

I know leaving the band was somehow synonymous to saying goodbye to my brothers. Again, I don't have the luxury to feel regret. I just did what I have to do. This is for my mom and my sister and I guess, for myself too.

I am not making excuses. I just can't be the same person as I was before. The loss was just too much for me.


**I just hope you will find it in your heart someday to understand AND forgive me. I really wish you all the best. You are my brothers -- beyond music.. Thank you for everything.

home

If I was lucky with finding friends, having a boyfriend is another. Things are not as pleasant before. I have been dumped, cheated on and beaten up, abused, used and humiliated, but still I'm here, ready to love like I've never been hurt before. :D I don't know if I'm hard-headed, stubborn or stupid.. :p Hmm, come to think of it, I'm all of them. Hhahaha...

Like I've mentioned, finding the one true love has been my silent mission since time immemorial since I'm now 26, single but unavailable and doesn't see myself getting hitched anytime soon. I know I'm not getting any younger but I don't want to let other people pressure me for something serious as marriage because there is no turning back. In this day and age of divorce and alimony, I refuse to accept that I will just take the easiest route (to avoid the nagging and the teasing) and risk that I'd be part of the statistics that, though not proven, has certainly affected many innocent lives in the process.

I admit that I didn't make the wisest decisions in the past, probably I made the stupidest, but here I am ready to love. I believe you never choose who to love.. love chooses you.. after the feeling -- the moments of stillness and slow motion -- you then are given the choice to decide -- whether to take this to the next level or not...

Unfortunately, most of the guys that I went out with can not live up to the standards of commitment and forevermore, therefore, my relationships with them had a hard time surviving after a month or two. If categories are based on longevity, they are mere acquaintances. (Can you hear the bitterness in my tone? Hahahaha.. NOT! Most of them are my good friends now.)

Moving on, I guess my wisdom went with my age, which means I'm making wiser and bolder decisions now. I stopped listening to other people and started listening more to my heart and beliefs and principles. Fortunately, I am happier and am able to embrace tragic endings with less drama and fuss. In short, since I have nobody else to blame, I spend less time in the denial stage. I just cry, deal with the pain and move on. Actually, it's a lot easier for my tear ducts and for Mother Nature as I get to save the trees for using less Kleenex.

Intimacy never existed in my relationships before. I used to think that it's okay that I love them or care for them or spendt time with them so long as they never had the chance to hold me or kiss me. I never thought physical intimacy could play a part in building a healthy and fruitful romantic relationship. But don't blame me. That's just my conservative upbringing talking.. then.

So I decided to do a little experiment with my relationships with this "little intimacy, less likely to last longer" theory and surprisingly, it's true. A couple become more open when you sprinkle a little of this and that intimacy. You try!

**trivia: do you know that according to the US Census studies that most couples who ended up getting a divorce are those that never gave blowjobs to each other? Hmmm, think about it, start evaluationg your relationships. :p

Eerr, moving on, if you'll be asking if I am still a V-- the answer is NO. Okay, not ashamed of it and not proud of it either, just stating a fact. But that doesn't mean that it is my ticket to do it everyday with anyone. HELLOOOO!!! I still have my brain and my sanity.

I thought once you start doing it, you'll never stop. Funny thing is.. this is not true. You get tired of it. You sometimes feel that your relationship is no better than what dogs on the streets have. I mean, if you are human enough or intelligent enough to notice, it's quite boring after a while. You're looking for substance and purpose. You just agreed to stop and not do it for a while because there are other things that you enjoy doing with each other. In other words, get busy. :D

Seriously, a healthy sex life is a factor not THE factor but a factor that may make or break a relationship. Ok, maybe not sex, per se but INTIMACY.. there's a thin between sex and intimacy so be sure that both of you are aware of which side you are on to avoid confusion and frustration for either party.

Being intimate with someone and sharing things with him open a lot of opportunity for a couple to become beyond just a couple. You can become best friends, trusted confidantes, critics, lovers, soulmates and family all in one. And I think that is what everyone wants to have in the end -- someone you can call your HOME.

Someone who will make you feel that despite the world's demands and pressures, the people's discrimination and prejudices, you will find yourself safe at the end of the day in his/her loving arms; who will always be there to make you feel that there's another day where you can be better and rise above the mistakes you've made that day; who will assure you that despite your flaws and weaknesses he/she will make it up for you and be your strength; who will smile when everybody else frowns.

I want that HOME..

random thoughts.. crazy thoughts

i'm trapped in these walls...

i savor the minutes...

my heart aches for the emptiness...

i'm lost in the uncertainty...

will you keep me or will you let go?

laughter shields me from the sadness..

yet tears come unexpected, betraying my secret

i feel alone...

i tremble as i think of losing you...

yet i can't stand staying...

your words bring pain...

yet here i am...

do i have the guts to be brave and leave you?

should i just wait for your goodbye?

i shiver as i kiss you as tears fall down my eyes...

amidst this confusion, i love you.