Thursday, April 30, 2009

To a friend, in agony

How do you teach someone to love and teach yourself not to love that person anymore? How do you love a person who doesn't want to take that risk of loving you with no guarantees? How do you love a person who says he loves you but is scared to be responsible for your feelings? How do you let go of someone who leaves you to fate and not fight for what he feels for you? How do you let go of someone whom you love more than he loves you? How do you stop yourself to love someone who doesn't want to throw caution to the wind?

The logical answer would be to let him go, right? But do you use logic when you love a person? Well, you know you should but that doesn't seem to work most of the time, does it? However, there's a pull of an unknown gravity towards that person who you should've let go ages ago. That doesn't seem to ring true at all, too. You stay because you want to. You love that person because you love him - no matter how painful and frustrating loving him is. Or is it because we, human beings (or at least, most of us, putting it mildly) are masochists by nature? We deal with pain as if it is a reward or we are getting a reward by dealing with it. OR this is just one of the mysteries of love.

Is it right to doubt such love when the person refuses to feel "responsible" for the other person's feelings? Is it right to think less of that love when one asks for guarantees? Do you put less effort when the other leaves you to fate? Would you still love that person with the same intensity and passion regardless of how the other chooses to love you and deal with the feelings he has for you? Or are you just like that person who is asking for a guarantee, a promise that they will wait for you or will love you no matter what happens? Do you just prefer hearing those words rather than face the reality of all possibilities?

Have you ever loved this way before? Have you ever felt so helpless and powerful at the same time? Helpless that you simply entrust your heart to someone who leaves you to fate; but powerful enough to go through the pain and fear and still love him unconditionally.

Your heart is torn apart by the fact that you can't make him do anything else. You don't have the heart to make him do something that he doesn't want to. It would be like being with a stranger if it comes to that. All that's left to do is to make him understand where you're coming from. Yet, you are disturbed because you need to make a choice -- for yourself, for your own sanity. It's normal you'd feel guilty thinking of the easy way out, but you know deep inside you, it's the right thing to do. I know this is not a walk in the park to decide on something like this. This could mean you're letting go of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or you're opening your world to a life that's more promising and fulfilling than you could ever imagine.

It would've been easier if you just heard him say: "it's not going to work, sweetheart. Let's move on." or "let's make this work. It won't be easy but I'm willing to take that leap of faith with you." Either way, he will make a choice and it would be easier for you to decide for yourself. But here you are now, trying your best to make a choice with your heart in HIS hand. Every moment spent with him is heaven and torture because you'll never know if each could be the last.

You think you're a fool, but you're not. At least, I think that you aren't. I know you're trying your hardest to turn your back on this love but love chose you. I just hope you'd remember that you do have the right to choose and may you find the strength to make one soon.

We may not feel the sense of urgency that this situation calls for but I know it is important that you get this over with. Have faith in yourself. Believe you will make the right choice for yourself, for your future. Please go to where your happiness is. We may not be living in a world of fairy tales, but that shouldn't stop you from making your life one.

For now, while you are in agony, please remember you are allowed to cry heart out and I hope this song to help you do that.

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep