school's almost done --- YAY!

I'm almost done with my classes. Only a few more days left to deal with the exams. I'm so nervous. I don't really have that much time to study for all my subjects and I feel that my brain is about to explode due to information overload. It would be such a big relief to go through them without any problems.

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I got a call from Mitch, my supervisor regarding my new RDs. I will still be on the same shift, i.e. 10pm-7am with Thu and Friday as my RDs. I have no complains about it since I will still be working on weekends (which I like since there are less people on the floor). I just hope there is still a chance for me to be on the morning shift soon. I jus miss being with my sister and my nephew (of course, with Csar too) in the evening, just watching TV/DVDs or whatever. The idea to live a "normal" life for a couple of months is something that I always look forward to as it helps me get through the two months of GY shift. It is what I call the light at the end of a tunnel.

But with how things are going in the office, that little hope is slowly fading away.

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I want to thank Sir Mark for being so accommodating in changing my transition off from Tuesday to Monday, but all my hugs go to Kuya Luck who gave way. He gave me his Monday transition off and will be working 6 days straight so I have the time to prepare for a big day. Thank you, Kuya Luck!

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It's so sad to hear that some people would not accommodate two people's wishes for their own convenience. I may not understand the job that they do because I am not in their position but is it really that difficult to be considerate in this industry? It's not like they asked her to move mountains. I'm sure she can make the necessary adjustments, after all, it's not like she's going to coach that person everyday. She just doesn't want to. As we often say in Filipino, kung gusto, may paraan; kung ayaw, may dahilan.

I am amazed at how this world seems to be coming to. Powertripping is like an "in" thing these days. I always wonder why power is given to those who CANNOT handle it. Some people tend to forget that they are dealing with people not just with metrics and product knowledge and quality to be maintained or obtained.

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I sometimes forget that Kmart is growing up. I think I will forever be in denial that he will soon be a young man leading his own life.

He always expect me or Csar to bring home something for him like a large tumbler of iced tea or a chocolate bar. He would be show us a sad face (sad puppy dog eyes and pouty lips) when we don't have anything for him.

He has been like this for the past couple of weeks for some reason I don't know. He was never like this -- demanding. Hahaha! Yesterday, I decided to bring him something. I stopped by at the Hi-Top supermarket after class to buy him one of his favorites -- Hello Panda biscuits. He was so happy and all giddy. (Yes, Vayie, Kmart is a giddy kid too, but please note that Tita Jen is way giddier). =P

We watched TV while he happily munched on the treat. RJ, Josine and I were talking about how are we going to celebrate Kmart's 3rd birthday. No big party yet for Kmart, since most of our friends don't have kids that we can invite should we have a children's birthday. We'll just save the idea when Kmart is already in school. Hopefully, he'll have classmates and friends his age. =P

Anyway, going back to the discussion we're having about Kmart's birthday, I already volunteered that I will buy Kmart a cake for his birthday. To our surprise, he suddenly blurted out: "Salamat!" I found it really sweet that I immediately gave him a big hug. Siyempre, medyo naiiyak pa ako. Ang sweet talaga ng pampangkin ko.

To a friend, in agony

How do you teach someone to love and teach yourself not to love that person anymore? How do you love a person who doesn't want to take that risk of loving you with no guarantees? How do you love a person who says he loves you but is scared to be responsible for your feelings? How do you let go of someone who leaves you to fate and not fight for what he feels for you? How do you let go of someone whom you love more than he loves you? How do you stop yourself to love someone who doesn't want to throw caution to the wind?

The logical answer would be to let him go, right? But do you use logic when you love a person? Well, you know you should but that doesn't seem to work most of the time, does it? However, there's a pull of an unknown gravity towards that person who you should've let go ages ago. That doesn't seem to ring true at all, too. You stay because you want to. You love that person because you love him - no matter how painful and frustrating loving him is. Or is it because we, human beings (or at least, most of us, putting it mildly) are masochists by nature? We deal with pain as if it is a reward or we are getting a reward by dealing with it. OR this is just one of the mysteries of love.

Is it right to doubt such love when the person refuses to feel "responsible" for the other person's feelings? Is it right to think less of that love when one asks for guarantees? Do you put less effort when the other leaves you to fate? Would you still love that person with the same intensity and passion regardless of how the other chooses to love you and deal with the feelings he has for you? Or are you just like that person who is asking for a guarantee, a promise that they will wait for you or will love you no matter what happens? Do you just prefer hearing those words rather than face the reality of all possibilities?

Have you ever loved this way before? Have you ever felt so helpless and powerful at the same time? Helpless that you simply entrust your heart to someone who leaves you to fate; but powerful enough to go through the pain and fear and still love him unconditionally.

Your heart is torn apart by the fact that you can't make him do anything else. You don't have the heart to make him do something that he doesn't want to. It would be like being with a stranger if it comes to that. All that's left to do is to make him understand where you're coming from. Yet, you are disturbed because you need to make a choice -- for yourself, for your own sanity. It's normal you'd feel guilty thinking of the easy way out, but you know deep inside you, it's the right thing to do. I know this is not a walk in the park to decide on something like this. This could mean you're letting go of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or you're opening your world to a life that's more promising and fulfilling than you could ever imagine.

It would've been easier if you just heard him say: "it's not going to work, sweetheart. Let's move on." or "let's make this work. It won't be easy but I'm willing to take that leap of faith with you." Either way, he will make a choice and it would be easier for you to decide for yourself. But here you are now, trying your best to make a choice with your heart in HIS hand. Every moment spent with him is heaven and torture because you'll never know if each could be the last.

You think you're a fool, but you're not. At least, I think that you aren't. I know you're trying your hardest to turn your back on this love but love chose you. I just hope you'd remember that you do have the right to choose and may you find the strength to make one soon.

We may not feel the sense of urgency that this situation calls for but I know it is important that you get this over with. Have faith in yourself. Believe you will make the right choice for yourself, for your future. Please go to where your happiness is. We may not be living in a world of fairy tales, but that shouldn't stop you from making your life one.

For now, while you are in agony, please remember you are allowed to cry heart out and I hope this song to help you do that.

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

55th monthsary

HAPPY MONTHSARY, BUBI PACHIEZ! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

**sigh

As usual, I am in my work station. Fresh from my off, I am not in any mood to socialize with my teammates. I just greeted Kuya Rico, Mitch and Vayie when I arrived, went to my station and started setting up my tools - in silence.

I'm glad my teammates are now used to how I am when I am here in the office. They no longer ask me if there's something wrong whenever I stay in the "secluded" part of the bay. They now understand that I prefer working in silence. I am no longer misinterpreted. Of course, I do interact with them, every now and then. I laugh when I find something or someone funny. I always have a smile to spare whenever I see my teammates at the pantry, by the lockers or before I go home. I just prefer working this way.

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I miss...

...reading my friends' blogs.

...eating Jollibee's Nacho Overload.

...hanging out at National Bookstore for hours.

...singing in a choir.

...teaching grammar.

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I crave for...

...TomatoKick's pesto pizza.

...nacho cheddar popcorn.

...a Biggie-sized lite iced tea from Wendy's.

...a Bacon Cheeseburger double decker from Domino's.

...chocolate cake from Julie's bakeshop.

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I can't wait...

...to see Josine graduate.

...for people who don't have respect for other people's time.

...forever.

...to catch the next Harry Potter movie.

...to see Kmart on his first day of school.

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________ is hot.

Wentworth Miller...

Bigoli's red pepper sauce...

Craig David's Insomnia...

Aerosmith's video, "Amazing"...

Angel Locsin's F&H summer billboard in Guadalupe...

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Congratulations and best wishes to Kuya Dom and Ate Shiela who got married last Tuesday, April 14th at the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Parish in Project 6, Quezon City.

All I can say is... FINALLY!! Heheheh. Kidding aside, I'm very happy for you and I love you both. I wish you love and happiness, strength and wisdom in doing God's work , now as husband and wife.

turmoil and tranquility

I went to church to attend mass for the first time in a very long time and I'm glad I did. The priest gave a good homily. No politics, no socio-economic problems mentioned. It was all about what the new tomorrow brings -- hope, opportunity and freedom.

For years, after the incident that almost cost me my life and my family, I've been contented in communicating with God through prayers. I feel unworthy being in His "presence", that I never felt comfortable to any church at all.

Attending the mass yesterday was the first of hopefully, many visits I will make. I am grateful God gave me the strength to overcome my doubt, guilt and fears. The homily confirmed the path I am taking and I am thankful that He continues to guide me in everything I do.

I went home with peace and gratitude in my heart. I can feel my mom smiling down at me. As a devout Catholic, she wanted me to go back to church, but as my mom, she understood why I couldn't take that step then. Now, I did it. I hope she's a little happier.

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My newfound peace was challenged and I failed...

I know I admitted in one of my latest entries that I am unhappy and that I still remember the people who were responsible for this, but that doesn't mean I spend most of my waking moments here at work looking for a way to get even with them. I am doing a great job believing that they no longer exist and am now used to the fact that their feelings no longer matter to me.

But this one - she's really pushing me to the limit. She still takes things personal and she uses her position to make things go her way. She was successful in making most people believe that she was the victim and now she's on the loose again.

Looking back, I still feel sad that our relationship ended up from being something to nothing. I no longer consider her a person who can be trusted and respected. I have nothing for her except disgust and disbelief when she does something directed to me.

I understand she's concern about her agents meeting their stats but that doesn't mean she should directly blame my short visits to my former teammates' stations to be the reason. Did she not consider other factors leading to such results?

Kapag kayo ang nakikinabang, ayos lang na baluktutin ang mga patakaran dito. Pero pag nasa katwiran naman ang mga hiling ng ahente, kahit umiyak nang dugo, hindi ninyo pagbibigyan at kukwestyunin nyo pa ang pagpapahalaga nito sa trabaho.

Katulad ng nangyari sa kaibigan ko. Inabutan siya ng malakas na ulan nung paluwas na siya ng Maynila galing sa probinsya niya nung off niya. Tumawag siya at hiniling na kung pwede i-adjust yung schedule niya dahil siguradong mahuhuli siya sa pagpasok dahil baha sa mga kalsadang dadaaanan niya. Hindi ninyo pinagbigyan, kaya pinili na lang niyang hindi pumasok so he filed for an EL. Nagkaroon ng usapan kung kelan ba pwedeng magpaayos ng schedule at ang nakuha pa ng kaibigan ko, sermon dahil hindi siya naging propesyonal. Yun ang pananaw ng mga taong ito sa situwasyon na yon at hindi ko kokontrahin yun kasi opinyon nila yun.

Ngayon, nung sila na ang magpapakain kasi naubos na ang emails, o dahil galing sila sa bakasyon at gusto nilang magkuwento, binabago nila agad yung schedule and punches to accommodate these. Nice one!

So now she told my friend that she (my friend) should stop talking to me while answering emails because she's not meeting her metrics and she warned my friend by saying she doesn't want it to reach the point where she will have to talk to me about this because I am now under a different supervisor.

Since when did she ever have the guts to talk to me? Please!!!! Whatever her real intentions and reasons are for making a big deal out of my short visits, I hope it's making her really happy. After all, she couldn't expect others to give her that because I don't think there's anyone at work who genuinely likes her. We used to but things have CHANGED. I can never bring someone into my life who breathes lies, hypocrisy and deception. I prefer spend my time with people who may not be perfect or SOFT-SPOKEN but who at least have the decency to be honest about who they are and their feelings. I don't want to spend my time watching my back. Plus I don't want to be around a person so sensitive that I have to watch every word I say with fear that I might offend her in the simplest remarks I make.

I've always been good follower but I am no all goody-two-shoes. I am giddy (or so Vayie says) but I get angry too. I fight back when I need to. I speak up when I feel someone is being stubborn. I can also be cruel and disrespectful, you know.

If she wants to be respected, she should be brave enough to be honest, be decent enough to be professional and be honest & responsible enough to admit mistakes and shortcomings. If she can't do any of these, she should stay out of my business and out of my way. Actually, I just want her out of my life - she's miserable and she finds joy in making others as miserable as her.

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CHANGE TOPIC! (Whew..) I only slept for 3 hours after I came home from work. I had to wake up around lunchtime because we will be visiting my dad.

We had lunch at Dada's place to celebrate Easter together and because my Dad will leave again for Albay for a job he took after his early retirement. We had beef caldereta, fried galunggong, bicol express and laing. It was a yummy feast, thanks to my Dad and Tita Liza.

I already felt sleepy after eating but the afternoon heat is too overwhelming for a power nap. I had no choice but to watch the ASAP'08 reruns. Watching the show for almost two hours, I realised how much I like Sarah Geronimo, Shaina Magdayao, Maja Salvador, Nikki Gil, Iya Villania and Toni Gonzaga; Piolo Pascual, Rayver Cruz and Billy Crawford that much and that I find them nakakaaliw.

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I'm not feeling well. Migraine and acid peptic disease. Been to the clinic three times, still no sign of the nurse. *sigh