To a friend, in agony

How do you teach someone to love and teach yourself not to love that person anymore? How do you love a person who doesn't want to take that risk of loving you with no guarantees? How do you love a person who says he loves you but is scared to be responsible for your feelings? How do you let go of someone who leaves you to fate and not fight for what he feels for you? How do you let go of someone whom you love more than he loves you? How do you stop yourself to love someone who doesn't want to throw caution to the wind?

The logical answer would be to let him go, right? But do you use logic when you love a person? Well, you know you should but that doesn't seem to work most of the time, does it? However, there's a pull of an unknown gravity towards that person who you should've let go ages ago. That doesn't seem to ring true at all, too. You stay because you want to. You love that person because you love him - no matter how painful and frustrating loving him is. Or is it because we, human beings (or at least, most of us, putting it mildly) are masochists by nature? We deal with pain as if it is a reward or we are getting a reward by dealing with it. OR this is just one of the mysteries of love.

Is it right to doubt such love when the person refuses to feel "responsible" for the other person's feelings? Is it right to think less of that love when one asks for guarantees? Do you put less effort when the other leaves you to fate? Would you still love that person with the same intensity and passion regardless of how the other chooses to love you and deal with the feelings he has for you? Or are you just like that person who is asking for a guarantee, a promise that they will wait for you or will love you no matter what happens? Do you just prefer hearing those words rather than face the reality of all possibilities?

Have you ever loved this way before? Have you ever felt so helpless and powerful at the same time? Helpless that you simply entrust your heart to someone who leaves you to fate; but powerful enough to go through the pain and fear and still love him unconditionally.

Your heart is torn apart by the fact that you can't make him do anything else. You don't have the heart to make him do something that he doesn't want to. It would be like being with a stranger if it comes to that. All that's left to do is to make him understand where you're coming from. Yet, you are disturbed because you need to make a choice -- for yourself, for your own sanity. It's normal you'd feel guilty thinking of the easy way out, but you know deep inside you, it's the right thing to do. I know this is not a walk in the park to decide on something like this. This could mean you're letting go of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or you're opening your world to a life that's more promising and fulfilling than you could ever imagine.

It would've been easier if you just heard him say: "it's not going to work, sweetheart. Let's move on." or "let's make this work. It won't be easy but I'm willing to take that leap of faith with you." Either way, he will make a choice and it would be easier for you to decide for yourself. But here you are now, trying your best to make a choice with your heart in HIS hand. Every moment spent with him is heaven and torture because you'll never know if each could be the last.

You think you're a fool, but you're not. At least, I think that you aren't. I know you're trying your hardest to turn your back on this love but love chose you. I just hope you'd remember that you do have the right to choose and may you find the strength to make one soon.

We may not feel the sense of urgency that this situation calls for but I know it is important that you get this over with. Have faith in yourself. Believe you will make the right choice for yourself, for your future. Please go to where your happiness is. We may not be living in a world of fairy tales, but that shouldn't stop you from making your life one.

For now, while you are in agony, please remember you are allowed to cry heart out and I hope this song to help you do that.

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

55th monthsary

HAPPY MONTHSARY, BUBI PACHIEZ! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

**sigh

As usual, I am in my work station. Fresh from my off, I am not in any mood to socialize with my teammates. I just greeted Kuya Rico, Mitch and Vayie when I arrived, went to my station and started setting up my tools - in silence.

I'm glad my teammates are now used to how I am when I am here in the office. They no longer ask me if there's something wrong whenever I stay in the "secluded" part of the bay. They now understand that I prefer working in silence. I am no longer misinterpreted. Of course, I do interact with them, every now and then. I laugh when I find something or someone funny. I always have a smile to spare whenever I see my teammates at the pantry, by the lockers or before I go home. I just prefer working this way.

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I miss...

...reading my friends' blogs.

...eating Jollibee's Nacho Overload.

...hanging out at National Bookstore for hours.

...singing in a choir.

...teaching grammar.

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I crave for...

...TomatoKick's pesto pizza.

...nacho cheddar popcorn.

...a Biggie-sized lite iced tea from Wendy's.

...a Bacon Cheeseburger double decker from Domino's.

...chocolate cake from Julie's bakeshop.

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I can't wait...

...to see Josine graduate.

...for people who don't have respect for other people's time.

...forever.

...to catch the next Harry Potter movie.

...to see Kmart on his first day of school.

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________ is hot.

Wentworth Miller...

Bigoli's red pepper sauce...

Craig David's Insomnia...

Aerosmith's video, "Amazing"...

Angel Locsin's F&H summer billboard in Guadalupe...

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Congratulations and best wishes to Kuya Dom and Ate Shiela who got married last Tuesday, April 14th at the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Parish in Project 6, Quezon City.

All I can say is... FINALLY!! Heheheh. Kidding aside, I'm very happy for you and I love you both. I wish you love and happiness, strength and wisdom in doing God's work , now as husband and wife.

turmoil and tranquility

I went to church to attend mass for the first time in a very long time and I'm glad I did. The priest gave a good homily. No politics, no socio-economic problems mentioned. It was all about what the new tomorrow brings -- hope, opportunity and freedom.

For years, after the incident that almost cost me my life and my family, I've been contented in communicating with God through prayers. I feel unworthy being in His "presence", that I never felt comfortable to any church at all.

Attending the mass yesterday was the first of hopefully, many visits I will make. I am grateful God gave me the strength to overcome my doubt, guilt and fears. The homily confirmed the path I am taking and I am thankful that He continues to guide me in everything I do.

I went home with peace and gratitude in my heart. I can feel my mom smiling down at me. As a devout Catholic, she wanted me to go back to church, but as my mom, she understood why I couldn't take that step then. Now, I did it. I hope she's a little happier.

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My newfound peace was challenged and I failed...

I know I admitted in one of my latest entries that I am unhappy and that I still remember the people who were responsible for this, but that doesn't mean I spend most of my waking moments here at work looking for a way to get even with them. I am doing a great job believing that they no longer exist and am now used to the fact that their feelings no longer matter to me.

But this one - she's really pushing me to the limit. She still takes things personal and she uses her position to make things go her way. She was successful in making most people believe that she was the victim and now she's on the loose again.

Looking back, I still feel sad that our relationship ended up from being something to nothing. I no longer consider her a person who can be trusted and respected. I have nothing for her except disgust and disbelief when she does something directed to me.

I understand she's concern about her agents meeting their stats but that doesn't mean she should directly blame my short visits to my former teammates' stations to be the reason. Did she not consider other factors leading to such results?

Kapag kayo ang nakikinabang, ayos lang na baluktutin ang mga patakaran dito. Pero pag nasa katwiran naman ang mga hiling ng ahente, kahit umiyak nang dugo, hindi ninyo pagbibigyan at kukwestyunin nyo pa ang pagpapahalaga nito sa trabaho.

Katulad ng nangyari sa kaibigan ko. Inabutan siya ng malakas na ulan nung paluwas na siya ng Maynila galing sa probinsya niya nung off niya. Tumawag siya at hiniling na kung pwede i-adjust yung schedule niya dahil siguradong mahuhuli siya sa pagpasok dahil baha sa mga kalsadang dadaaanan niya. Hindi ninyo pinagbigyan, kaya pinili na lang niyang hindi pumasok so he filed for an EL. Nagkaroon ng usapan kung kelan ba pwedeng magpaayos ng schedule at ang nakuha pa ng kaibigan ko, sermon dahil hindi siya naging propesyonal. Yun ang pananaw ng mga taong ito sa situwasyon na yon at hindi ko kokontrahin yun kasi opinyon nila yun.

Ngayon, nung sila na ang magpapakain kasi naubos na ang emails, o dahil galing sila sa bakasyon at gusto nilang magkuwento, binabago nila agad yung schedule and punches to accommodate these. Nice one!

So now she told my friend that she (my friend) should stop talking to me while answering emails because she's not meeting her metrics and she warned my friend by saying she doesn't want it to reach the point where she will have to talk to me about this because I am now under a different supervisor.

Since when did she ever have the guts to talk to me? Please!!!! Whatever her real intentions and reasons are for making a big deal out of my short visits, I hope it's making her really happy. After all, she couldn't expect others to give her that because I don't think there's anyone at work who genuinely likes her. We used to but things have CHANGED. I can never bring someone into my life who breathes lies, hypocrisy and deception. I prefer spend my time with people who may not be perfect or SOFT-SPOKEN but who at least have the decency to be honest about who they are and their feelings. I don't want to spend my time watching my back. Plus I don't want to be around a person so sensitive that I have to watch every word I say with fear that I might offend her in the simplest remarks I make.

I've always been good follower but I am no all goody-two-shoes. I am giddy (or so Vayie says) but I get angry too. I fight back when I need to. I speak up when I feel someone is being stubborn. I can also be cruel and disrespectful, you know.

If she wants to be respected, she should be brave enough to be honest, be decent enough to be professional and be honest & responsible enough to admit mistakes and shortcomings. If she can't do any of these, she should stay out of my business and out of my way. Actually, I just want her out of my life - she's miserable and she finds joy in making others as miserable as her.

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CHANGE TOPIC! (Whew..) I only slept for 3 hours after I came home from work. I had to wake up around lunchtime because we will be visiting my dad.

We had lunch at Dada's place to celebrate Easter together and because my Dad will leave again for Albay for a job he took after his early retirement. We had beef caldereta, fried galunggong, bicol express and laing. It was a yummy feast, thanks to my Dad and Tita Liza.

I already felt sleepy after eating but the afternoon heat is too overwhelming for a power nap. I had no choice but to watch the ASAP'08 reruns. Watching the show for almost two hours, I realised how much I like Sarah Geronimo, Shaina Magdayao, Maja Salvador, Nikki Gil, Iya Villania and Toni Gonzaga; Piolo Pascual, Rayver Cruz and Billy Crawford that much and that I find them nakakaaliw.

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I'm not feeling well. Migraine and acid peptic disease. Been to the clinic three times, still no sign of the nurse. *sigh

"ho-hum" in the office

Despite all these years attempting to be a songwriter, I was only able to finish one composition, lyrics and all, with the help of my one only Bubi pachiez, Csar. To my friends, this song is soooo 2007. I just checked my old entry when I first shared it here and found that the words changed a lot when Csar put the melody to it.

I know it's kinda makulit to keep posting certain stuff with a little difference but please understand that I consider this as my first baby in music. I always admit that I am not a good composer since most of the songs I write ended up being essays. That's why this song is considered a milestone. Haha!

I want to thank Cacai, Tetay and Tin for listening to this song back when we were still on the 26th floor of EBP. I appreciate your enthusiasm and feedback then.

CAN NEVER BE MINE

A moment of laughter
A secret smile
A brush of your hand
laidback afternoon
The slightest touch
Hours to last forever
These things I shared with you can never be mine
can never be yours, can never be ours.

Hold on to this moment
and never let go
could never be, you and I both know
(you and I both know)

Tears flowing
My heart is breaking
Silence deafening
My love awaiting
desperately hoping
the pain I will endure
So just let me have you this time
since tomorrow can never be mine...
can never be yours and mine.

Hold on to this moment
and never let go
could never be, you and I both know

This memory will linger 'til
my heart stops beating for your name
Til my eyes no longer cry for this
Love that can never be ours,
That can never be yours and mine.

Hold on to this moment
and never let go
could never be, you and I both know

Instrumental

Hold on to this moment
and never let go
could never be, you and I both know
We could never have this moment
we need to let go
coz it could never be
this could never be mine
could never be yours and mine.
It could never be yours and mine,
will never be yours and mine.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Dada (my daddy) arrived from Bicol last Friday. We will have lunch at his place today to celebrate Easter Sunday as a family since he'll be leaving for Bicol again on Monday. Too bad, Csar won't be joining us. He will be attending a fiesta in Tayuman with his supervisor and his teammates.

To everyone, Happy Easter! The hunt for the colorful eggs is on...

Speaking of egg-hunting, we have one in the office. If only I have the energy or at least, the enthusiasm to join the fun (when was I ever after the office fun!?), I wouldn't mind looking for an egg around the office to win the prizes like the Nokia phone, the GE slimline telephones and the Ayala Mall GCs, but since I don't, let's just leave it to those who do and who are lucky. =)

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Vayie, I tried one of your shared blog tricks here in this entry! Yay!

A generally good Friday

I got a call from a college friend who is now living in Singapore. She is one of the few people I became close with despite the little time I get to spend in school after classes because of my tutorial job. We lost touch when she left school without any notice. Her old number's no longer active and her Friendster account abandoned.

I'm happy to hear that she is now married to a Singaporean and is a mother to Shawn who will be turning two on July 11. She will be coming back here in the Philippines either on the last week of May or on the first week of June. She said she'll be staying here a little longer than her last visit since she wants her son to celebrate his birthday with her relatives and friends this time. That means we will have the time to catch up on things. =)

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I heard this crazy news in the office. We are no longer allowed to bring beverages inside the production floor even if we are using spill-proof mugs/tumblers. All we can drink is water.

Great! Good luck to those who need a kick of caffeine just to get through the graveyard shift. Wala na yata talagang magawa ang ibang tao sa amin. Bagot na sila sa kanilang trabaho. Pati iinumin namin, pinanghihimasukan na nila.

No pen and paper policy. It's understandable if it is for the security of the whole account, why not. Pero TISSUE PAPER?! Helloooo! Kahit tumutulo na ang sipon at parang Malabanan na kung suminghot ang mga ahente, bawal pa rin ang tissue. The administrators should really do some serious thinking, because they appear to be NOT thinking at all and they are not making any sense. If they want to make sense, the least they could is explain why we are not allowed to do this and that. After all, we are not servants who should blindly heed to the whims of our "masters".

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I saw this girl on the floor. I find her pretty with her long, flowing brown hair and slim waist like an Japanese anime character. Then I saw her by the elevator, chewing something like there's no tomorrow...

hindi pala siya ganun kaganda..=(

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Josine is back again from a 5-day vacation in Pangasinan and Baguio. I definitely missed her and her funny antics. Too bad, Kmart just left with his mom to spend what's left of the Holy Week with his "ate" and his mom's relatives. Malungkot tuloy si Josine, excited pa man din siyang umuwi kasi akala niya, may ma-bu- bully daw siya pag-uwi niya. Looks like Kmart was one step ahead of her. Ha!

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Kate (Kmart's mom) was thoughtful enough to ask me if I want to get my flu vaccine in their office. Since I was diagnosed and hospitalized for acute bronchitis last January, my doctor advised me to get myself vaccinated for flu as this would help prevent acute bronchitis from coming back. It is not covered by our healthcare provider. The last time I asked, you could get the vaccine for Php800, but through the program that Kate's company, their HMO and GSK have, we will get the vaccine for only Php350.

Hopefully, I will also have the slot for the cervical cancer vaccine as well. Kate said it will only cose Php1650/shot for a total of 3 shots within 6 months. That's over 60% savings since it cost around Php6000-Php7000 per shot.

Check out this article:
http://www.philstar.com/Article.aspx?articleId=419193

another lazy entry

As usual, I'm too tired (or lazy) to write a decent blog entry...

First, I would like to apologise to my Uno Animo teammates. No pictures yet from our get-together last March 30. I know the pics I have are not a lot but I know you love to see them too. When I have the time (yeah, right!), I will post them in Facebook and our yahoogroups site. =)

Here is a presentation (uh-huh) of the things I've done, been doing, will be doing and would've wanted to do:

I had dinner with my bessy, Gran a few days after he got back from his Asian tour. He got me a bag, a couple of keychains and a fridge magnet from Singapore. What a thoughtful sweetheart! The pictures he and JB took of Singapore, Malaysia and Thailand were amazing, but the stories he told were hilarious. =)

Uno Animo (Alex, Cacai, Dustin, Febe, RJ, Tetay, Vayie and me) and Grumpig (Milo) had merienda/dinner at Dad's Glorietta last March 30, Monday/payday. Tin was missing in action but for a valid reason so she's forgiven. =P We also met Cacai's boyfriend, Ivan.

As you already know, Tita Tess, Tito Josal, Inna and Iris arrived from Canada last March to attend the funeral and burial of Tito Josal's father, Mr. Bartolome del Castillo, Jr. in Bicol. They are now in Baguio with my Tita Bebot, my cousins Andrea and Camille, my sister, Josine, my brother, Joshua and my niece, Nikki. I was supposed to join them but work got in the way. (What's new?!)

I watched the movie , "Race to Witch Mountain" with Bubi. The plot was predictable but the characters were entertaining.

Csar and I learned that tea latte tastes awful - the hard way. It is a rarity that I would dare try something new and it was not a good experience. =(

I went to a bookstore sale and found this cool dictionary from Oxford: The Official Dictionary of the Unofficial English. It was on sale for Php150, but wasn't able to get it -- found that I only have Php110 in my pocket and didn't have my ATM card with me. Bummer!

I would like to greet my bessy, Apol a very happy birthday (April 7). I wish we could see her soon and spend loads of time with her since she's been working for the last year - almost nonstop.

Birthday wishes also goes to my gradeschool friend, Ivylaine (April 6), my supervisor Mitch (April 7) and my ex-boyfriend, Cerwin (April 8) and to a baby sister, April Adap (April 9) who is now a wife and a mother to a beautiful family.

These are the songs that I just love listening to these days: I Stay in Love (Mariah Carey), Heaven Sent (Keyshia Cole), Insomniac (Craig David), One Step at a Time (Jordin Sparks), More to Life (Stacie Orrico), Forever & Because of You (Boyce Avenue version).

Csar and I did our best to catch the movie, "Knowing" (starring Nicholas Cage) together and we did. We found it interesting as subtly showed the unity of faith and science in our lives. The movie looked like a blockbuster movie in the making. I've seen a few movies these past months and I've never seen a cinema this packed since Harry Potter and Twilight. With or without the hype, it was worth it. The movie will leave you thinking.

Before we watched "Knowing", Csar and I had lunch at Bigoli's (Trinoma), an Italian restaurant Tetay and I "discovered" (from a clickthecity.com review) while looking for a nice place where we can hold the Mean Girls' little get-together with our former supervisor, Spawn.

Bigoli's has this new promo: Eat-All-You-Can Pizza for Php199 only. The price includes a refillable drink. Eat the most number of pizza slices will earn you a place in their Hall of Fame and a shirt. So far, a Nursing student from UST, "Jogar" Garcia holds the record for eating 25 slices of pizza. Beat that! But remember, this promo is only available between 10am-2pm everyday.

I dropped by at the Fully Booked Gateway Mall branch and National Bookstore Superbranch last Monday. I got a couple of stuff added to my wishlist: an LED slim book light and a red grab bag (super cute) which I want to buy this coming payday. I also passed by the Girbaud store and I found the three most adorable bags I have ever seen since I visited the store last Christmas. I hope I will have the extra cash to take at least one of those cuties home.

I will soon be seeing my ex-boyfriend who I haven't seen in a decade. (Yup, he's the forgetful ex. hehehe) We still haven't agreed on the details because of my crazy schedule.

I'll be taking Education classes starting April 13. My classes will be from 9am-1pm, Mondays to Fridays. I'm so excited! It'll be a little bit tough since I will be attending my classes after my work shift at 7am, but I welcome the challenge because finally I'll be doing something beyond the walls of the office. That doesn't mean you will be seeing me more relaxed.

alone but not lonely, maybe unhappy

Today must be one of those days when I have little patience for some people around me here in the office. I am unhappy and pressured. These feelings are overwhelming.

I'm unhappy -- because of some people at work. I am blessed to be part of a team that is composed of people who are friendly and helpful. I mean they are wonderful - period. BUT there are some people who can be really annoying. They think they're funny and entertaining but they're NOT. They're just a bunch of nuisance who think they are making other people's lives at work better.

I don't like working in a noisy environment. I hate idle talks. I don't like people who likes having conversations with others just for the sake of having a conversation.

The pressure at work is not making me any happier and is leaving me with a feeling of being stuck with something I have no control over. I want to be an asset to the team. They may not be my friends, they may not understand or know where I'm coming from, but I still want to contribute to the success of the team. That desire does add to the pressure. I try not to let that get to me but it does. It's hard when you are not working with people who you consider your good friends.

As a spectator, you may see me as too attached or sentimental at some point. It seems I am not handling this change in a mature kind of way. It's been 5 months since I was transferred to a different queue but the feeling of protest has not changed. I may have accepted the fact that I am no longer part of the team that I care so much about but somehow, my heart screams for justice. I know my presence (along with Vayie's and Khim's) will forever haunt those people responsible for this unjust action. The joy and satisfaction they find in making lives miserable will soon eat their souls empty and left with nothing. Their idea of respect from other people will remain an idea or an imagination.

I know I should've moved on. Whenever I feel unhappy about work, I shouldn't blame those people who put me here. I KNOW THAT! Then, again, today is ONE of those days and I will not deprive myself of this kind of therapy. If this will make me feel a little bit better, then I will indulge in this moment.

In the first place, I wouldn't be here if not for them. I didn't have to fight back if they just chose to let us be. I wouldn't have to be around annoying people most of the time if I was still with Uno Animo. If not for them, I would still have the chance to be silent without being misunderstood or misinterpreted.

I'm not saying that I will never like the people that I now work with. I'm just saying that it will take some time before I'll get used to their personalities and vice-versa. I don't feel superior/inferior when I'm with them. I just love being with myself MOST of the time.