Happy birthday, mahmu!

It's my mom's birthday today. It's a wonderful reminder of the years she spent with us -- loving us, taking care of, nurturing us and stopping us for doing what we usually want to do.

This day is also a reminder of her absence since she went to heaven two years ago. The feeling of losing her is still fresh but the pain seems so far away. Everytime I or we experience hardships, I'm relieved that she's no longer with us today -- to worry about us, to cry or to feel frustrated when she feels helpless. I'm happy that she's out there praying for us and loving us in her own way God has allowed her to.

It's her turn to be worry-free, just watch us make her proud of how we handle things. I could see her face cringe whenever we make certain decisions but I know that she trusts us that we make them for the best of everyone.

I still miss her -- a lot! I still do find myself cry at times when I feel alone and talk to her as if she's just right beside me, but in the long run, I am thankful that she's already at peace with herself and with our Creator.

I miss our laughter, I miss her fascinating stories and animated expressions. I miss how she takes care of us and how she always makes us feel loved. I miss how she reprimands us over the most trivial of things. I miss shopping for homewares with her. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT HER.

Mahmu, happy birthday! I miss you a lot. Don't worry, we'll be okay. Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving us always. I love, Ma. Happy birthday!

school's almost done --- YAY!

I'm almost done with my classes. Only a few more days left to deal with the exams. I'm so nervous. I don't really have that much time to study for all my subjects and I feel that my brain is about to explode due to information overload. It would be such a big relief to go through them without any problems.

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I got a call from Mitch, my supervisor regarding my new RDs. I will still be on the same shift, i.e. 10pm-7am with Thu and Friday as my RDs. I have no complains about it since I will still be working on weekends (which I like since there are less people on the floor). I just hope there is still a chance for me to be on the morning shift soon. I jus miss being with my sister and my nephew (of course, with Csar too) in the evening, just watching TV/DVDs or whatever. The idea to live a "normal" life for a couple of months is something that I always look forward to as it helps me get through the two months of GY shift. It is what I call the light at the end of a tunnel.

But with how things are going in the office, that little hope is slowly fading away.

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I want to thank Sir Mark for being so accommodating in changing my transition off from Tuesday to Monday, but all my hugs go to Kuya Luck who gave way. He gave me his Monday transition off and will be working 6 days straight so I have the time to prepare for a big day. Thank you, Kuya Luck!

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It's so sad to hear that some people would not accommodate two people's wishes for their own convenience. I may not understand the job that they do because I am not in their position but is it really that difficult to be considerate in this industry? It's not like they asked her to move mountains. I'm sure she can make the necessary adjustments, after all, it's not like she's going to coach that person everyday. She just doesn't want to. As we often say in Filipino, kung gusto, may paraan; kung ayaw, may dahilan.

I am amazed at how this world seems to be coming to. Powertripping is like an "in" thing these days. I always wonder why power is given to those who CANNOT handle it. Some people tend to forget that they are dealing with people not just with metrics and product knowledge and quality to be maintained or obtained.

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I sometimes forget that Kmart is growing up. I think I will forever be in denial that he will soon be a young man leading his own life.

He always expect me or Csar to bring home something for him like a large tumbler of iced tea or a chocolate bar. He would be show us a sad face (sad puppy dog eyes and pouty lips) when we don't have anything for him.

He has been like this for the past couple of weeks for some reason I don't know. He was never like this -- demanding. Hahaha! Yesterday, I decided to bring him something. I stopped by at the Hi-Top supermarket after class to buy him one of his favorites -- Hello Panda biscuits. He was so happy and all giddy. (Yes, Vayie, Kmart is a giddy kid too, but please note that Tita Jen is way giddier). =P

We watched TV while he happily munched on the treat. RJ, Josine and I were talking about how are we going to celebrate Kmart's 3rd birthday. No big party yet for Kmart, since most of our friends don't have kids that we can invite should we have a children's birthday. We'll just save the idea when Kmart is already in school. Hopefully, he'll have classmates and friends his age. =P

Anyway, going back to the discussion we're having about Kmart's birthday, I already volunteered that I will buy Kmart a cake for his birthday. To our surprise, he suddenly blurted out: "Salamat!" I found it really sweet that I immediately gave him a big hug. Siyempre, medyo naiiyak pa ako. Ang sweet talaga ng pampangkin ko.

To a friend, in agony

How do you teach someone to love and teach yourself not to love that person anymore? How do you love a person who doesn't want to take that risk of loving you with no guarantees? How do you love a person who says he loves you but is scared to be responsible for your feelings? How do you let go of someone who leaves you to fate and not fight for what he feels for you? How do you let go of someone whom you love more than he loves you? How do you stop yourself to love someone who doesn't want to throw caution to the wind?

The logical answer would be to let him go, right? But do you use logic when you love a person? Well, you know you should but that doesn't seem to work most of the time, does it? However, there's a pull of an unknown gravity towards that person who you should've let go ages ago. That doesn't seem to ring true at all, too. You stay because you want to. You love that person because you love him - no matter how painful and frustrating loving him is. Or is it because we, human beings (or at least, most of us, putting it mildly) are masochists by nature? We deal with pain as if it is a reward or we are getting a reward by dealing with it. OR this is just one of the mysteries of love.

Is it right to doubt such love when the person refuses to feel "responsible" for the other person's feelings? Is it right to think less of that love when one asks for guarantees? Do you put less effort when the other leaves you to fate? Would you still love that person with the same intensity and passion regardless of how the other chooses to love you and deal with the feelings he has for you? Or are you just like that person who is asking for a guarantee, a promise that they will wait for you or will love you no matter what happens? Do you just prefer hearing those words rather than face the reality of all possibilities?

Have you ever loved this way before? Have you ever felt so helpless and powerful at the same time? Helpless that you simply entrust your heart to someone who leaves you to fate; but powerful enough to go through the pain and fear and still love him unconditionally.

Your heart is torn apart by the fact that you can't make him do anything else. You don't have the heart to make him do something that he doesn't want to. It would be like being with a stranger if it comes to that. All that's left to do is to make him understand where you're coming from. Yet, you are disturbed because you need to make a choice -- for yourself, for your own sanity. It's normal you'd feel guilty thinking of the easy way out, but you know deep inside you, it's the right thing to do. I know this is not a walk in the park to decide on something like this. This could mean you're letting go of someone you want to spend the rest of your life with or you're opening your world to a life that's more promising and fulfilling than you could ever imagine.

It would've been easier if you just heard him say: "it's not going to work, sweetheart. Let's move on." or "let's make this work. It won't be easy but I'm willing to take that leap of faith with you." Either way, he will make a choice and it would be easier for you to decide for yourself. But here you are now, trying your best to make a choice with your heart in HIS hand. Every moment spent with him is heaven and torture because you'll never know if each could be the last.

You think you're a fool, but you're not. At least, I think that you aren't. I know you're trying your hardest to turn your back on this love but love chose you. I just hope you'd remember that you do have the right to choose and may you find the strength to make one soon.

We may not feel the sense of urgency that this situation calls for but I know it is important that you get this over with. Have faith in yourself. Believe you will make the right choice for yourself, for your future. Please go to where your happiness is. We may not be living in a world of fairy tales, but that shouldn't stop you from making your life one.

For now, while you are in agony, please remember you are allowed to cry heart out and I hope this song to help you do that.

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
[Chorus]

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
[Chorus]

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

55th monthsary

HAPPY MONTHSARY, BUBI PACHIEZ! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

**sigh

As usual, I am in my work station. Fresh from my off, I am not in any mood to socialize with my teammates. I just greeted Kuya Rico, Mitch and Vayie when I arrived, went to my station and started setting up my tools - in silence.

I'm glad my teammates are now used to how I am when I am here in the office. They no longer ask me if there's something wrong whenever I stay in the "secluded" part of the bay. They now understand that I prefer working in silence. I am no longer misinterpreted. Of course, I do interact with them, every now and then. I laugh when I find something or someone funny. I always have a smile to spare whenever I see my teammates at the pantry, by the lockers or before I go home. I just prefer working this way.

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I miss...

...reading my friends' blogs.

...eating Jollibee's Nacho Overload.

...hanging out at National Bookstore for hours.

...singing in a choir.

...teaching grammar.

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I crave for...

...TomatoKick's pesto pizza.

...nacho cheddar popcorn.

...a Biggie-sized lite iced tea from Wendy's.

...a Bacon Cheeseburger double decker from Domino's.

...chocolate cake from Julie's bakeshop.

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I can't wait...

...to see Josine graduate.

...for people who don't have respect for other people's time.

...forever.

...to catch the next Harry Potter movie.

...to see Kmart on his first day of school.

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________ is hot.

Wentworth Miller...

Bigoli's red pepper sauce...

Craig David's Insomnia...

Aerosmith's video, "Amazing"...

Angel Locsin's F&H summer billboard in Guadalupe...

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Congratulations and best wishes to Kuya Dom and Ate Shiela who got married last Tuesday, April 14th at the Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Parish in Project 6, Quezon City.

All I can say is... FINALLY!! Heheheh. Kidding aside, I'm very happy for you and I love you both. I wish you love and happiness, strength and wisdom in doing God's work , now as husband and wife.