alone but not lonely, maybe unhappy

Today must be one of those days when I have little patience for some people around me here in the office. I am unhappy and pressured. These feelings are overwhelming.

I'm unhappy -- because of some people at work. I am blessed to be part of a team that is composed of people who are friendly and helpful. I mean they are wonderful - period. BUT there are some people who can be really annoying. They think they're funny and entertaining but they're NOT. They're just a bunch of nuisance who think they are making other people's lives at work better.

I don't like working in a noisy environment. I hate idle talks. I don't like people who likes having conversations with others just for the sake of having a conversation.

The pressure at work is not making me any happier and is leaving me with a feeling of being stuck with something I have no control over. I want to be an asset to the team. They may not be my friends, they may not understand or know where I'm coming from, but I still want to contribute to the success of the team. That desire does add to the pressure. I try not to let that get to me but it does. It's hard when you are not working with people who you consider your good friends.

As a spectator, you may see me as too attached or sentimental at some point. It seems I am not handling this change in a mature kind of way. It's been 5 months since I was transferred to a different queue but the feeling of protest has not changed. I may have accepted the fact that I am no longer part of the team that I care so much about but somehow, my heart screams for justice. I know my presence (along with Vayie's and Khim's) will forever haunt those people responsible for this unjust action. The joy and satisfaction they find in making lives miserable will soon eat their souls empty and left with nothing. Their idea of respect from other people will remain an idea or an imagination.

I know I should've moved on. Whenever I feel unhappy about work, I shouldn't blame those people who put me here. I KNOW THAT! Then, again, today is ONE of those days and I will not deprive myself of this kind of therapy. If this will make me feel a little bit better, then I will indulge in this moment.

In the first place, I wouldn't be here if not for them. I didn't have to fight back if they just chose to let us be. I wouldn't have to be around annoying people most of the time if I was still with Uno Animo. If not for them, I would still have the chance to be silent without being misunderstood or misinterpreted.

I'm not saying that I will never like the people that I now work with. I'm just saying that it will take some time before I'll get used to their personalities and vice-versa. I don't feel superior/inferior when I'm with them. I just love being with myself MOST of the time.

Parang mobile phone lang..

Tita Tess, Tito Josal and my cousins, Inna and Iris arrived yesterday from Canada to attend the funeral and burial of Tito Josal's father.

The death of a loved-one is never easy regardless if one died young or old. Parting from someone who brought so much love, wisdom and strength in your life will always be a bittersweet moment for those left behind. Still, it offers an opportunity to spend time with the people who mean so much to us and count every blessing that comes your way.

When my mom died, I felt all my wounds healed and the scars disappeared. Hating people who've hurt me in the past seemed insignificant and forgiveness was the only way to go. I accepted the challenge of accepting the faults of others as if they were my own and I've embraced a role that I'm uncertain I can ever give justice to. Yet, my mom's death -- her absence left me no other choice -- left me the best choice -- to open my heart to life's mysteries and surprises and enjoy the ride along with the bumps. As far as I can remember, I only shed tears whenever I miss my mom and wish that she is still beside me to help me. Her loving memory inspires me to live life to the fullest, dance like no one is watching and love like I've never loved before.

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For the next two weeks, I want to spend as much time with my cousins and of course, Tita Tess and Tita Bebot. This may mean that I will get less sleep but a "life" outside the office is very tempting.

Don't get me wrong. I DO have a life. I still have the time to do the things that I like to do. I watch my favorite TV series for hours, read a book, eat, catch a movie, window shop and sleep. It's just that eversince I was transferred to the chat queue, I never really had the energy to do something "ACTIVE". I often spend my weekends at home. I just send messages to most of my friends just to let them know that I am still breathing.

Hopefully, these two weeks will be the start of many weeks that I will have the strength to go out there and reconnect with people other than my family.

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Finally, the Uno Animo reunion will push through this Monday, March 30th at Dad's Glorietta. What a great way to spend a payday -- fun with great friends over good food (hopefully with a cute toy in hand). Yay!!

**watch out for the reunion pics at Vayie's blog. hehehe..

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I might take a few classes this summer while my sister, Josine is on vacation. I want to see if I can still study while working. I know the biggest challenge would be time management and discipline.

I also hope I could still pass for a student. (Trivial, I know.) It would be really embarrassing if the class would think I AM the professor. =P

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If I don't chicken out, I might get another ear piercing this April. It's been 6 years since I last had the upper part of my right ear pierced when emotional pain was too much and physical pain was a refuge.

Since I am, most of the time, giddy (according to Vayie), I now know that I have low tolerance for pain and fear of needles.

Aside from the fact that I couldn't get a tattoo (my dad and my boyfriend would definitely be the first people to be upset), the idea of a needle piercing a section of my body hundreds of times and leaving a permanent work of art (unless, you have the smackaroos to have it remove ala-Claudine Barretto) brings the fascination and the desire to a halt.

I don't know why I suddenly wanted to get a piercing but I am sure I want to. I am not making sense wanting it so I guess I'll just cross my fingers that I'll chicken out.

sunday special

I'm scared. I think I'm coming down with something and it is almost similar to the one I had last January which caused me to be hospitalized for almost three days. =(

I have been worried about this since Saturday but my doctor is only available every morning during weekdays. Since I am at work from 6am-3pm, I can only have myself checked by Tuesday, which is thankfully tomorrow because I really don't feel good anymore.

I forced myself to come to work today eventhough I am not feeling well because I don't want to be ineligible to have VLs in March as per our account's policy (which by the way, most of the people in the office find so unfair).

Anyway, here I am, having a hard time breathing while trying my best to minimize the noise I make in the office. I hope I can make it through the day without making a scene or causing inconvenience on others.

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Ceasar and I went to Trinoma yesterday to watch Gran Torino. Ceasar won a couple of privilege passes to the mall's cinema from work. I wish we have that kind of incentives of prizes to keep us motivated. (That's another story.)

On our way to the cinema, we passed by this store called Holy Land. It's anything but holy since this is not a stall for religious artifacts but it is for beauty products made from the Dead Sea. Yes, you heard me right. I got to try it last January at The Block when I was helping Tin to find a Twilight paperback. The products are amazing! The body scrub, mud pack and moisturizer felt divine on my skin. Unfortunately, they are too expensive for me. But it's not just the products that made me remember this unique stall. The person who made me try these stuff was a hot Israeli -- he looked good and smelled good. Ayayay!

So, having such a pleasant experience from the Holy Land guy at The Block, I just didn't expect someone hotter than him but I did and he is in Trinoma yesterday.

Mas guwapo talaga siya! Seryoso, hindi OA. Lahat na nilalapitan niyang babae for a demo just find themselves blushing, walking really fast and taking a second look at the hot guy. Haay, tama na nga, mukah na akong manyak. Ha!

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We watched Gran Torino last night. It was definitely a movie with a heart - a big heart at that. I couldn't think of another guy who would best play the character of Walt Kowalzki. Clint Eastwood made the right decision to take this movie under his wing.

I never thought a Clint Eastwood movie would make everybody cry. Lahat ng tao, pati mga lalaki umiyak talaga! Tinatawanan ko pa yung mga taong lumabas sa sinehan before our scheduled screening kasi hindi ko nga ini-expect na maiiyak ka kung si Clint Eastwood ang bida. Pero isa ako sa mga lumabas ng sinehan na luhaan.
Basta! You should watch this movie. =)

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Finally, nakatikim na ako ng Krispy Kreme donuts! Ang verdict?

Mas masarap pa rin Dunkin' Donuts. Hehehehe...

Buti na lang

Para sa 'yo...Kung nagbabasa ka man
Buti na lang, aklat lang ang nakuha ko,
Na binigay mo sa akin nung tingin mo mahal mo pa ako.
Buti na lang, hindi mo nabili yung mamahaling bagay na yun,
baka hindi lang insulto ang nakuha ko sa yo.

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa aking narinig,
inisip mo na tinatangi kita?
Sana'y nagbibiro ka lang nun,
dahil sa umpisa pa lang, sinabi ko na.

Ikaw ay hindi ko maaaring mahalin,
Nang higit pa sa kapatid na turing.
Pasensiya na kung ikaw ay nalito,
iningatan ko lang na huwag masaktan ang puso mo.

Sa bandang huli, nawala ring saysay
ang pag-iingat sa kaibigan
Ang pagmamahal na alay
para sa yo'y kulang, sa aki'y kalabisan.BOW!

Just want to let you know that I'm still here. I just didn't have the time to keep my blog up-to-date since my last entry which I think I made while I was still in training for chat with Vayie and Kim.
Here are some of the things that happened/thoughts I had in the past 3 months:

• Tin gave me an eBay pin. (Thanks, Tin! Love it and I love you more!)
  
• I finally have my very own Twilight Saga collection in my arms. Thanks to Tetay! I had another reason to cry.
  
• I already spent a Christmas Eve in the office for the first time and it was an agony.
  
• I felt like leaving this job that I came to love (because of the people I work with - Uno Animo) because of people who thought they knew better.
  
• Thank God for my friends (Uno Animo), they gave me enough reasons to stay ~ their friendship and their sense of humor.
  
• RJ, Josine and I visited my mom last December 30th. We had fun. It's like sharing stories with our mom the way we used to.
  
• I got myself a planner this year -- to help me manage my time and money and organize the things that need my attention. (But I always end up doing things a week AFTER -- talk about procrastination)
  
• Ceasar gave me a new bag and new coin purse.
  
• I promised myself I will add color to my life this year -- more color to my clothes, stuff, etc.
  
• I'm so fond of Black this year -- Black purse, black bag, black umbrella, black brush.
  
• I bought Ceasar a new messenger bag and 3 pairs of socks -- ayoko nang makita yung bag niya na hindi niya mabitawan dahil nabili lang daw niya yun sa ukay-ukay sa halagang singkwenta pesos 3 years ago. Utang na loob! Di bale nang gumastos ako.
• I had the chance to spend my much-awaited VLs in Tagaytay but ended up getting sick.
  
• I was hospitalized for three days due to acute bronchitis.
  
• Ceasar bought me a "Blue Book" shirt to cheer me up.
  
• I am now addicted to the TV series "24".
  
• Warrick Brown's death in CSI Season 8 made me cry.
  
• Gil Grissom's eulogy at Warrick Brown's funeral made me cry harder.
  
• CSI Miami's Season 1 is boring.
  
• Dr. Gregory House is soooo funny.
  
• I have a crush on Danny O'Donoghue (vocalist, The Script) for 4 months now.
  
• But still not close to beating, William Petersen (Gil Grissom, CSI), Edward Cullen (Twilight Saga) and Harry Connick, Jr. (Leo, Will and Grace). =D
  
• Ceasar and I failed to celebrate our Valentine's week '09 at the UP Fair.
  
• But we celebrated our Valentine's at Chaikofi and Scooperman, The Block.
  
• I can't wait to see the movies: "Angels and Demons", "The Matarese Circle", "New Moon" and "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince".
  
• The songs: "Single" (NKOTB), "Rain" (Razah), "Hypnotized" (Gemini), T-Shirt (Shontelle) and "Just Dance" (Lady Gaga) make me want to go to a bar and groove!
  
• The songs: "P.S. I'm Still Not Over You" (Rihanna), "The Man Who Can't be Moved" (The Script), "Again" (Janet Jackson), "Have You Ever" (Brandy) and "Heartbreaker" (Tank) almost always put me to sleep.

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I admit, I prefer Facebook over Friendster. I just find it easier to use and more pleasant to look at, but it doesn't matter. Bottomline, these social networks has helped me rekindle friendships, reconcile with people whose existence I vowed to treat with silence and indifference, reconnect with people who I didn't have any connection with and simply make new friends from all over the world.

Last night, I decided to check my Facebook account while watching a boring part of "24". I received a message from one of my ex-boyfriends. To my dismay, he asked me, "Who are you? You look familiar and you're too pretty to ignore but I don't remember where we met." WTF?!! Pagkatapos mo akong paiyakin nung Valentines day, 10 years ago, tatanungin mo ako kung sino ako?! (Sorry, ex-bf, ganon talaga nasabi ko sa sarili ko at least.) Yes, sinabihan niya ako ng pretty pero walang halaga sa akin yun dahil di niya ako naalala. Ganong na ba ako ka-forgettable? Sino ba siya, si Simon Cowell? Anyway, I simply sent him a courteous response with the gory details of how and why he broke up with me for another girl. Hehehe... We already talked and he gave me loads of excuses why he didn't recognize me. It felt like we were once again in a relationship. =P